A man.

Let’s talk about a man

His scent as I bury my face in his neck

The taste of his skin as I gently bite down

It’s primal, this need to nip and bite and taste

How about the way his smooth back feels as it runs under my soft hands, feeling… always feeling

Greedy and alive

His lower back, taut and ready and willing

To be touched and caressed

And the energy, shared between us as our bodies touch in the most intimate way

Feeling things we won’t forget until next time

Saying things we’ll forget tomorrow

Touch me, with more than just your hands

I want to make people feel something

This life can be monotonous. It’s possible for people to go weeks without feeling something. So caught up in work and life that we forget what it is to be human. Then a book comes along. Or even a show or a movie. And suddenly we remember how it feels to allow a wave of emotion to overcome us. To humble us. To make us grateful. Sometimes it makes us angry, or sad. But to me, the entire purpose of being alive is to feel. The older we get the more difficult it is to open our hearts and souls to the world around us. The world can be difficult. It can be unkind. It can be impossible.

So along comes a book. One so well-written it was almost like it was written for you. You devour each page, not even noticing when you turn to the next. You’re in another world. Feeling emotions you didn’t know you still had. Your eyes slide right to left, right to left. Before you know it you’re crying, or laughing or just smiling. And the book is over. And it makes you think. It makes you remember times from the past. It puts you somewhere else in your mind different than where you were when you began. How amazing is it that 26 letters arranged in a specific order can have such a profound impact on your psyche.

Or there’s a show. One you get so involved with it’s like you’re in a relationship. It’s on your mind throughout the day. You feel emotionally connected with it. You feel like you know the characters. You wish luck on some, and harm to others. You’ve adopted a new family as your own. Suddenly you’re left reeling and a bit lost when it’s over. What will you do now? Back to reality.

TV, movies, books…These are all art forms meant to transport someone to a different place. A different mind state. If only for a while.

I want to create that one day. I want someone to read my writing and think “I’m a better person after reading this.” or “Wow. Just wow.”

I cried when The Bell Jar ended. I cried when The Lovely Bones ended. And I smiled at the end of We Are All Made of Stars.  I became so overwhelmed when the TV series Hannibal ended that all I could do was sit on the couch and stare at the TV for an hour, thinking. Deliberating. And then a few years later I watched it again and had the same reaction.

What would life be like without these art forms to deliver us from the evil of life? I can’t wait to writing something. One day. That will make someone feel something.

Mads Mikkelsen, I WILL meet you one day. Until then, ich liebe dich. Tschüss

Where am I?

I haven’t written anything in quite some time. The only excuse I have come up with is that I’ve been moving and getting settled into the new place. The move has been good. I (we) needed to get out of that depressing little town we were in. Oklahoma is amazing, beautiful and the quality of life here is already substantially better.

I read something the other day along the lines of “Being 16-25 is like playing a video game and skipping the tutorial…just kind of winging it”. I thought that was interesting. Here I am at 27 years old (holy fuck) and still not having a clue what is going on sometimes.

There are societal norms that most everyone pushes themselves to conform to. Like, at a certain age you’re supposed to have a nice car, and then a nice husband (wife?) and then comes the fancy house and the children. Oh and lets not forget a great job. I think music and television make us believe that it is the “norm” to have these things by the time you’re 30, when I know plenty of 50 somethings that don’t even have these things. I won’t even say that they haven’t accomplished these things, they just don’t have them. Are these things really accomplishments? Maybe to some people, but I feel like to more and more people, these things don’t matter as much.

With a world full of looming debt for college students and uncertainty for their way of life, more and more people are skipping the norms and just doing what makes them happy. They’re not so worried about the societal pressures to have all of the things that “normal” people have by a certain age. And maybe that’s me.

I am 27 and I drive a 2002 Chevy Malibu. And I’m okay with it. I have no car payment. I learned the hard way that buying a new car and shelling out $300+ a month was not a good decision on my part. I know I’ll need a new(er) car eventually, but for right now my little beater works. I don’t have a nice house. I have a decent sized apartment in a decent apartment complex with neighbors that apparently wear bricks on their feet when they’re home upstairs. And I am okay with that too. I have no inkling to go shell out $100,000+ on a house. I am not even married. OMG. I have a wonderful boyfriend that I’ve been with for over a year. Our relationship isn’t perfect, we aren’t perfect. But it works for us. We are both loyal, love one another and stick through thick and thin. And that works for us. I don’t have kids. In the last town I lived in, people looked at me like something was wrong with me. I didn’t have kids?! Well why not?! In that town, the only thing to do was settle down by the time you’re 20 and pop out kid after kid. People would ask me why in the world I’m waiting so long to have kids. I wanted to tell them to look around at all the zombie parents in this town. Toting around 3 or 4 kids, looking like they haven’t smiled in ages. I am not saying that its terrible for everyone. Some people I do believe were born to be parents. It is what fulfills them. But I see a lot of people missing something in their lives, so instead of being a kid and enjoying it, they have kids, and that hardly works out for anyone.

Oh as for work…I am an independent contractor with a pet and home care company. I really enjoy it. There’s no working with humans, its normally all working with pets. Which is great for me. The thing that is frustrating for me is, I have all this talent. Okay maybe not talent, but like you know, potential. I am intelligent, I’ve got common sense, and I learn easily. If I had a bunch of money I’d go to school and get a good degree in something that interests me. But I don’t have a lot of money. Honestly I could be a doctor, or a nurse even. I could be an English teacher at a university. I could be the CEO of a damn company. But I was not dealt the same hand of cards as someone else in a different situation than me. I was not handed a silver spoon and loads of college money to better my future. Instead I am a potential ridden 27 year old who is terrified of having student loans looming over my head, so I sit. And I wait. For my chance. I don’t know what that is though. I just keep hoping it comes to me one day and I can make my move. Get my big break. I’ve worked my ass off since I was 16. So, yeah.

I really am grateful for all that I have. Money in the bank, an amazing boyfriend and partner in crime. A job I enjoy and that pays the bills (that’s basically all though), a car that runs, and food to eat. I never want a six figure income and a giant house, that changes people. I don’t want to change. I just want to stop feeling like my potential is wasted day in and day out. I’ve always wanted to write a book, but every time I start, I always stop. I always lose it. Maybe one day.

Until then, I’ll just enjoy the little things. Like Stephen King books and Autumn leaves. And Coffee on a Monday.

I always do this.

I start blogs and then never write in them. I don’t want to do that anymore. Even though no one reads my stuff, I still need to write. After all, I want to write a book one day, so a blog is a good place to start.

Over the summer I haven’t been taking classes. Basically I am broke and the government said “Fuck you, no more monies” and I didn’t have the funds to pay for college. I will start going again in Oklahoma, when we move.

Craziest thing though….just like any 20-something, I don’t know what the hell I want to do with my life. When I was 10 I wanted to be a veterinarian. When I was 11-21 I wanted to a police officer, and then I gave that a shot and didn’t like it. Recently I thought I wanted to be a psychologist, but am wondering if I’d really be happy listening to other peoples problems all day. Money isn’t everything. Currently I work as a cashier. It was for a seasonal position. I did a great job apparently, and even though they knew I was going to be moving in 2 months, they kept me on permanently and gave me a raise.

I used to be a people person, but being around people ruined that.

I absolutely cannot stand retail. I need to get out of it ASAP. But what is next for me? The boyfriend got his CDL and is out of town driving trucks all around California and Oregon. I am at home alone working a part time job and wondering what the hell I am doing. Sometimes people make life seem so simple…and it truly is. Just be happy. And I am..so truly happy and grateful for all that I have. But I have got to get out of this job where I constantly want to punch people in the throat. It’s not healthy.

I’d rather work with inmates inside of a jail (last job) than deal with the general public. At least at the jail if someone was disrespectful to you, you could send them to lock down and tell them to shut the f*ck up. Can’t exactly do that in retail…not out loud anyways.

Next goal: Find out what I want to do with my life!!! I’m 27, not getting any younger…..F*ck I feel old…and chubby….but mostly just old.