Rock bottom?

My mental health has not been great lately. For the first time in my life I am having days where I’m not okay. It took me a while to realize it. My life is in a strange place right now. I haven’t had a job for a few months, my bank account is dwindling and although I am putting in tons of applications I can’t seem to get a call. And the truth is, I don’t want to work. Not in the traditional way. I have had so many jobs in the past that made me miserable. Devoting 40 hours a week to a place that would replace me in a second, being underpaid for the work I do, mistreated and disrespected by customers and managers. But the truth is, I have a life to live. And if I want to live it on my own terms I need to finish school. So I have to try to put the anxiety about my classes in the backseat and just do my best. I am only taking one class this session and it’s my last German class which is great because it’s one of the most challenging ones.

I haven’t felt in control lately. In the last 2 weeks I’ve had at least 3 mental breakdowns/freakouts. If it weren’t for my best friend I don’t know what I’d do. It scares me because I don’t know if my mental health is deteriorating or if I am going through a rough patch. I decided to accept a job at a data entry place. It seems mind numbing and terrible but it’s through a temp agency and so I only have to work there for as long as I want until I find something better. It pays decent and it’s steady work so maybe I’ll feel better having some income coming into my bank account.

I just have felt very depressed lately. All the newness and excitement for life just seemed to vanish. I took a short trip to see my mom and I had to get on 4 different airplanes which isn’t fun for someone afraid of flying. Surprisingly it eased my fear of flight but the trip in it’s entirety filled me with anxiety and sadness…it’s a long story but seeing my mom made me feel sad as she doesn’t care of herself and is getting sick.

Everything just seems to be hitting me at once. I am 29, 30 next month. I feel like as a woman when you hit 30 it’s like your expiration date is coming up. If you’re not married/in a relationship by then good luck finding something. I am also overweight and even though I try to accept myself for who I am I find it difficult sometimes. Food brings me joy in life. For the last 2 weeks I have been on the Keto diet and I have lost 10 pounds but it’s been anything but easy. I cheated a bit tonight and had Chick-Fil-A and it was delicious, but food is like a drug to me and I feel like I relapsed. It will be interesting to see if I can get back on the Keto wagon tomorrow.

I guess the older you get the more real life becomes. I just want to graduate and then do something with my life on my own terms. I want a job I don’t hate. I want to write. I want to travel. I want to do so many things and my anxiety is always in the back of my mind reminding me that I could end up like so many others…on their death bed wishing they could go back and do things differently. Sad because they didn’t get to do all they’d hoped.

I want more than that.

Have you ever been sad?

Have you ever been sad before?

Of course you have. But, I mean really sad.

The kind where the only thing that seems logical is to lie on the floor.

As if laying there grounds you somehow, reminds you that you’re not falling. And you cry and the tears are good.

They’re warm even though they represent something so cold.

And you wonder how long you’ll lie there. And you have things to do but you don’t really care because you’re half alive and also more alive than you’ve felt in ages.

So you lie there, for however long, and you breathe. And sometimes you wish you’d stop but deep down you know you don’t mean it.

Something is telling you that nothing is alright…but it will be.

And eventually you get up and you look at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are red and puffy but you think, “I love the way I look after I cry.” And you take a shower and you get in your pajamas and you sit down, or lie down and you let the healing begin – and just like you knew, deep down, everything starts to be alright again.

Have you ever been sad before?

**I published my first short story on Amazon and it’s free with Kindle Unlimited. Link below if you’re interested in checking it out :)**

Soul on Fire

Blank Document

My mind is blank, but it also feels like I have 100 different thoughts going through it at once.

I wrote a short story and all the people I asked to read it said it was great and they enjoyed it.

It scared my mom because it was an intense story about an abused woman, and she was worried that it was based on real life experiences. I told her it wasn’t. It really wasn’t. I have been treated like absolutely garbage by men but never abused physically.

I don’t think I am going to have people close to me read my stories or books I will write in the future. It really is like letting them into the darkest recesses of your mind. They can’t help but judge.

I haven’t been in the mood to write anything of substance lately, so I am just free-writing.

I am still not working at the moment and school starts in about a week. I have enough money to pay bills for the next 2 months, so I have to find a job at least in 2 months.

I wish I could find a good work from home job. I don’t want to answer phones, I’d like to do one of those chat customer service things.

I am going to watch Blue Planet and go to sleep.

Should I post my short story on here?

Restless

I’ve feared mediocrity my entire life. I have always wanted the opposite of the “American Dream”. Since I was young, around 13 or 14, I knew I didn’t want the life that society deemed as “normal”. I was never extremely religious, I didn’t wait for marriage to have sex. I had always been extremely comfortable in my sexuality. I’ve been in love and knocked out of love enough times to know it isn’t for me. I don’t crave marriage. My biological clock must not exist because no part of me wants children, and never has in my 29 years of life. For reasoning beyond me, others find it appropriate to tell me not to worry, I will want children some day, when I meet the right man. The right man? The right man for me? To complete me and make me want to fulfill my known duty as a woman and reproduce? Please. Spare me. I’ll let you in on a little secret: IT’S OKAY TO NOT WANT CHILDREN. Yup, I said it. It. Is. Okay.

It is difficult for me to pinpoint the specific occurrences in my life that helped form me into the woman I am today. I suppose it all had to do with experiencing pain. I’m not just talking physical pain, I am talking heartbreak, sadness, loss, utter disappointment. The kind of emotional pain that you’d trade for a freshly broken leg any day of the week. I suppose in reality the saying is true: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I don’t know if it makes you stronger, but it certainly makes you more confident in your ability to get over painful situations. This too shall pass.

The first and last time I let a man bring me down to his level, to highlight my own insecurities and use them against me, was my second to last relationship. Short story: He was addicted to painkillers, I looked past this. He has a good heart and he’s trying to get off of them. Next thing I knew I was crying in the airport waiting to board a flight home from Panama. I had $0, and nothing to go home to. I was 25 and living with my dad again. I had no job, no car and no friends. I let them all go when I decided to fuck my entire life up with a guy. I burned so many bridges I can’t help but just laugh. Making it through that kind of betrayal and heartbreak really showed me a lot about myself. I won a war raging inside of myself. In that war I killed off a part of myself that was weak and insecure. I don’t miss that part of me at all. You can truly learn who you are when you’re at the very bottom. The key is to look, and not to give in to your instinct to give up.