I want you to do something for me. You don’t know me personally but you’ve read my heart and soul through this computer screen and now I need you to do something for me. I need to you look at yourself in the mirror. But I need you to really look. Grab a handheld mirror, get as close as you can to a mirror and look. And I want you to stare yourself right in the eyes. I want you to look at your eyes, the pupils and the iris. The way they meet and blend together. Look at the little swirls and loops of color. Your eyes are a galaxy, forgotten and unappreciated.
Why is it we look into the eyes of others and notice them, but we forget our own? I used to think my eyes were boring brown until I truly looked. And in them I saw a galaxy full of beauty. Almost other worldly. Almost. Perhaps? Just look.
I hope he laughs a lot.
I say this instead of ‘I hope he’s happy’ because happiness is so cliche. It’s eluded me for the majority of my life. Instead, I’ve been filled with a satiating contentedness. An appreciation and acceptance that this is life. What is will be and fighting it is tiring and mostly useless as an end result.
I say this to the future man I’ll love. Because no matter how hard I’ve tried to convince myself to give up, I can’t. I simply and wholeheartedly cannot. I am a human. Humans are social, they are not meant to be alone. Loneliness is the end. It’s the darkness that you look into but see no light. It’s the Friday nights home alone for the 3rd week in a row and all you crave is human interaction. And yet, loneliness can still present itself as an uninvited guest even when you’re not particularly alone. It’s the dark shadow that has a tendency to follow you, and it torments.
I hope he laughs a lot. I can almost hear it. Almost. His laugh. Hearty and contagious. And I hope one day it is I who musters this glorious sound from his chest to his vocal chords to my ears and then to my heart.
And I hope he’s my best friend. And I hope we can talk about anything, and not take things too seriously. I hope I look at him and see goodness. I hope I touch him and feel the kind of love that radiates from my fingertips all the way into my very bones.
I hope I wake up next to him and feel like there’s no where else I’d rather be in the world than beside him.
Yes, I decided I’m not giving up. I’m changing my recipe for loneliness.