Have you ever been sad?

Have you ever been sad before?

Of course you have. But, I mean really sad.

The kind where the only thing that seems logical is to lie on the floor.

As if laying there grounds you somehow, reminds you that you’re not falling. And you cry and the tears are good.

They’re warm even though they represent something so cold.

And you wonder how long you’ll lie there. And you have things to do but you don’t really care because you’re half alive and also more alive than you’ve felt in ages.

So you lie there, for however long, and you breathe. And sometimes you wish you’d stop but deep down you know you don’t mean it.

Something is telling you that nothing is alright…but it will be.

And eventually you get up and you look at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are red and puffy but you think, “I love the way I look after I cry.” And you take a shower and you get in your pajamas and you sit down, or lie down and you let the healing begin – and just like you knew, deep down, everything starts to be alright again.

Have you ever been sad before?

**I published my first short story on Amazon and it’s free with Kindle Unlimited. Link below if you’re interested in checking it out :)**

Soul on Fire

Gefühle

Sadness

It leaves scars in it’s wake
It leaves death and destruction
Like a tidal wave it comes forth and then recedes
Shattered pieces of battered people
Sadness breeds loneliness
It nurtures dark thoughts
It breathes yet it isn’t alive

Happiness

It’s temporary
This makes it hard to accept
Like a bad parent, it leaves one day
Without happiness a purgatory begins
Somewhere between sadness and…
Something else

Where am I?

I haven’t written anything in quite some time. The only excuse I have come up with is that I’ve been moving and getting settled into the new place. The move has been good. I (we) needed to get out of that depressing little town we were in. Oklahoma is amazing, beautiful and the quality of life here is already substantially better.

I read something the other day along the lines of “Being 16-25 is like playing a video game and skipping the tutorial…just kind of winging it”. I thought that was interesting. Here I am at 27 years old (holy fuck) and still not having a clue what is going on sometimes.

There are societal norms that most everyone pushes themselves to conform to. Like, at a certain age you’re supposed to have a nice car, and then a nice husband (wife?) and then comes the fancy house and the children. Oh and lets not forget a great job. I think music and television make us believe that it is the “norm” to have these things by the time you’re 30, when I know plenty of 50 somethings that don’t even have these things. I won’t even say that they haven’t accomplished these things, they just don’t have them. Are these things really accomplishments? Maybe to some people, but I feel like to more and more people, these things don’t matter as much.

With a world full of looming debt for college students and uncertainty for their way of life, more and more people are skipping the norms and just doing what makes them happy. They’re not so worried about the societal pressures to have all of the things that “normal” people have by a certain age. And maybe that’s me.

I am 27 and I drive a 2002 Chevy Malibu. And I’m okay with it. I have no car payment. I learned the hard way that buying a new car and shelling out $300+ a month was not a good decision on my part. I know I’ll need a new(er) car eventually, but for right now my little beater works. I don’t have a nice house. I have a decent sized apartment in a decent apartment complex with neighbors that apparently wear bricks on their feet when they’re home upstairs. And I am okay with that too. I have no inkling to go shell out $100,000+ on a house. I am not even married. OMG. I have a wonderful boyfriend that I’ve been with for over a year. Our relationship isn’t perfect, we aren’t perfect. But it works for us. We are both loyal, love one another and stick through thick and thin. And that works for us. I don’t have kids. In the last town I lived in, people looked at me like something was wrong with me. I didn’t have kids?! Well why not?! In that town, the only thing to do was settle down by the time you’re 20 and pop out kid after kid. People would ask me why in the world I’m waiting so long to have kids. I wanted to tell them to look around at all the zombie parents in this town. Toting around 3 or 4 kids, looking like they haven’t smiled in ages. I am not saying that its terrible for everyone. Some people I do believe were born to be parents. It is what fulfills them. But I see a lot of people missing something in their lives, so instead of being a kid and enjoying it, they have kids, and that hardly works out for anyone.

Oh as for work…I am an independent contractor with a pet and home care company. I really enjoy it. There’s no working with humans, its normally all working with pets. Which is great for me. The thing that is frustrating for me is, I have all this talent. Okay maybe not talent, but like you know, potential. I am intelligent, I’ve got common sense, and I learn easily. If I had a bunch of money I’d go to school and get a good degree in something that interests me. But I don’t have a lot of money. Honestly I could be a doctor, or a nurse even. I could be an English teacher at a university. I could be the CEO of a damn company. But I was not dealt the same hand of cards as someone else in a different situation than me. I was not handed a silver spoon and loads of college money to better my future. Instead I am a potential ridden 27 year old who is terrified of having student loans looming over my head, so I sit. And I wait. For my chance. I don’t know what that is though. I just keep hoping it comes to me one day and I can make my move. Get my big break. I’ve worked my ass off since I was 16. So, yeah.

I really am grateful for all that I have. Money in the bank, an amazing boyfriend and partner in crime. A job I enjoy and that pays the bills (that’s basically all though), a car that runs, and food to eat. I never want a six figure income and a giant house, that changes people. I don’t want to change. I just want to stop feeling like my potential is wasted day in and day out. I’ve always wanted to write a book, but every time I start, I always stop. I always lose it. Maybe one day.

Until then, I’ll just enjoy the little things. Like Stephen King books and Autumn leaves. And Coffee on a Monday.

What is happy?

Recently I came across a post on social media by The Oatmeal where he discussed happiness. He said he wasn’t a happy person, but he also wasn’t unhappy. And he went on to explain what he thought happiness was.

Basically he said that happiness could easily be only a word, that made people realize they were unhappy. Or at least lead people to believe they were unhappy.

I remember when I was kid in school, I used to get so excited for the weekend. I used to have a feeling of pure joy knowing that I had 2 days off to do whatever I wanted. Now I find myself complacent, just looking forward to my next days off while feeling miserable standing at a cash register helping entitled people who overpay on everything I ring up and put into a bag. My life has become a monotonous charade of the same thing every day.  But am I happy? And if I am not, what would make me happy? Do I even know?

People seem to have a general idea that to be happy, they need certain elements. A family, friends, money and a home. But I know plenty of people with all of these things, and yet they don’t seem happy.

But what if we forget the word happy? Have you ever just been going along with your life, and then someone asks you if you’re happy? And you stop and you think:

” I don’t know, am I?”

Then suddenly, all of these things come flooding to your mind and you start to realize, you’re not happy. The next thing you need to ask yourself is, are you fulfilled? Do you live a life that you’re proud of? And if you don’t, why don’t you change it?

Honestly, I am not happy. I am not a bubbly person. I don’t look forward to things, I take them as they come. Perhaps this is from being alive for 27 years and losing that child naivety that I once had. The sad part is, I remember how I used to be.

I remember that I loved all the wrong guys with all of my heart. When I appreciated waking up next to someone I loved, thinking they loved me back. I remember being heartbroken. And somewhere along the way I lost that part of myself. And now I’ve finally found the man I will spend the rest of my life with, and I appreciate him only half as much as I once did the others. Why is this? And can I change it? This man I love and who loves me back is amazing. He has done amazing things with his life. He is only 28 and has been in another country with nothing but a few good men and a rifle to protect himself. He has risked his life for this country. He has most likely killed others wishing to do him harm, and he has seen things that I am sure would only tear a person apart.

He has been married and blindly in love when he was young. He has learned from his mistakes, and made plenty of them like anyone else. But he has never been to jail, he has held steady jobs and he has a heart bigger than anyone I’ve ever met. So if a man like him can go through all of that and still be the biggest sweet heart and caring person I’ve ever met, what is wrong with me? a few years ago before I went into the police academy, I was a naïve 20-something who thought the world revolved around her. I was quiet and friendly and although I had thoughts in my head, I didn’t voice them regularly for fear that they would make others angry or upset.

So after 6 months of learning how to be strong, and pushing myself to every limit I had, I changed. Of course I did. And no matter how much I tried, I could never get back to the old me. And I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. I remember the first time I had to yell in scenario training. I was too quiet and wasn’t getting my point across. The first time I was angry, upset and pissed all at the same time I had to yell, at the top of my lungs to get someone to do something, and it felt great. I learned to speak my mind and in the academy they teach you that its your way or the highway. They teach you a lot of things. And slowly I discovered who I was and stopped apologizing for it. But I knew I didn’t want to be a cop. I knew 2 months in that this dream I had for almost my entire life was fading. And here I am, wondering what to do now….

Now I am a bully. I am a jerk. And compromise isn’t something that comes easy to me. I am a control freak. I like things my way. And when someone doesn’t speak up for themselves and acts like a victim, I immediately lose a lot of respect for them. So here I am with a boyfriend, who has a heart of pure gold, who sings to our cat when he pets her sometimes and calls me and her his little family. And I bully him, quite often. He deserves to  be treated like a king and I am a jerk to him. I can’t blame it on my past relationships, I can’t blame it on the academy, but I can say that it contributed a lot to my changes.

I want to be a nicer person, I want to make changes to have a better relationship. And I am working on that. I guess I don’t really know what happiness is, because I don’t feel it all the time. I don’t walk around smiling all the time and I have a horrible case of resting bitch face. But ultimately I really am content. There are days when I feel terribly lost and where I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. And those days are scary, but I do know that things tend to work out. I am motivated, and I am a good person and I wish the best for most people. But if given the opportunity I would love to move with my love and go out somewhere in a cozy little house and just live the rest of my life away from people. I am not a people person, and honestly if I never saw another human again apart from those I love I would be completely okay with that.

I am not happy, but I’m not unhappy. I am okay with this.