A man.

Let’s talk about a man

His scent as I bury my face in his neck

The taste of his skin as I gently bite down

It’s primal, this need to nip and bite and taste

How about the way his smooth back feels as it runs under my soft hands, feeling… always feeling

Greedy and alive

His lower back, taut and ready and willing

To be touched and caressed

And the energy, shared between us as our bodies touch in the most intimate way

Feeling things we won’t forget until next time

Saying things we’ll forget tomorrow

Touch me, with more than just your hands

Lost in Life

I’ve been here a few times before. It normally occurs when I am going through a large life change. When I was 22 or 23 it didn’t seem to affect me as much because I was young and in a way it was expected. It was acceptable because I was still trying to find myself and figure out who I was. Now that I am pushing 30, have one more week of solid work in front of me at a job with a boss that oozes moodiness and a drama, I am going through yet another life change. I am in my 5th semester of school towards my bachelors in English. I decided to learn German as my second language apparently because I enjoy making myself miserable by learning extremely difficult things. Ich habe keine Zeit! I feel like my life is just passing me by. As I grew up society made me believe that life gets easier. That things just fall into your lap and that opportunity is around every corner. The truth is, life costs money. It costs time and energy. It costs a little bit of your soul each and every day.

Life is long but it’s all too short. Too short to work under a boss that treats her employees like shit. Too short to be around an egomaniac that puts herself above others even though she’s more messed up emotionally than all of them. I am sick of being the underdog. I am scared that if I let my true personality show it won’t take me far. I hold a lot in, I keep a lot of things from being said. I am quiet because I feel like I should be most of the time but I’ve been loud before and it felt amazing. I just don’t know where I am anymore and after so long of feeling like this I think I am slowly loosing WHO I am. I remember this line in a Creed song that went “Dear God I know I’m just a dot in this world have you forgot about me?”

I am not a religious person but lately I have been feeling like a tiny useless dot. I live in one of the best countries in the world. I am intelligent. I am motivated. I am empathetic and strong. I am sassy and stubborn. I have so much damn potential but no idea where to put it. I write on this damn blog and get MAYBE 1 like. What if I don’t have what it takes to get where I want to be in life? Do I change my standards? Life’s tough when you chose not to settle in some shitty relationship with a man who makes good money but also sleeps with every woman he meets. Life’s tough when your biological clock doesn’t work how it’s apparently supposed to. At my age I should be yearning for children right now and to settle down with a mate. But these are 2 things I just don’t view as life goals. I just want to be happy, which is difficult to achieve when you don’t even really know what brings you happiness.

Where am I?

I haven’t written anything in quite some time. The only excuse I have come up with is that I’ve been moving and getting settled into the new place. The move has been good. I (we) needed to get out of that depressing little town we were in. Oklahoma is amazing, beautiful and the quality of life here is already substantially better.

I read something the other day along the lines of “Being 16-25 is like playing a video game and skipping the tutorial…just kind of winging it”. I thought that was interesting. Here I am at 27 years old (holy fuck) and still not having a clue what is going on sometimes.

There are societal norms that most everyone pushes themselves to conform to. Like, at a certain age you’re supposed to have a nice car, and then a nice husband (wife?) and then comes the fancy house and the children. Oh and lets not forget a great job. I think music and television make us believe that it is the “norm” to have these things by the time you’re 30, when I know plenty of 50 somethings that don’t even have these things. I won’t even say that they haven’t accomplished these things, they just don’t have them. Are these things really accomplishments? Maybe to some people, but I feel like to more and more people, these things don’t matter as much.

With a world full of looming debt for college students and uncertainty for their way of life, more and more people are skipping the norms and just doing what makes them happy. They’re not so worried about the societal pressures to have all of the things that “normal” people have by a certain age. And maybe that’s me.

I am 27 and I drive a 2002 Chevy Malibu. And I’m okay with it. I have no car payment. I learned the hard way that buying a new car and shelling out $300+ a month was not a good decision on my part. I know I’ll need a new(er) car eventually, but for right now my little beater works. I don’t have a nice house. I have a decent sized apartment in a decent apartment complex with neighbors that apparently wear bricks on their feet when they’re home upstairs. And I am okay with that too. I have no inkling to go shell out $100,000+ on a house. I am not even married. OMG. I have a wonderful boyfriend that I’ve been with for over a year. Our relationship isn’t perfect, we aren’t perfect. But it works for us. We are both loyal, love one another and stick through thick and thin. And that works for us. I don’t have kids. In the last town I lived in, people looked at me like something was wrong with me. I didn’t have kids?! Well why not?! In that town, the only thing to do was settle down by the time you’re 20 and pop out kid after kid. People would ask me why in the world I’m waiting so long to have kids. I wanted to tell them to look around at all the zombie parents in this town. Toting around 3 or 4 kids, looking like they haven’t smiled in ages. I am not saying that its terrible for everyone. Some people I do believe were born to be parents. It is what fulfills them. But I see a lot of people missing something in their lives, so instead of being a kid and enjoying it, they have kids, and that hardly works out for anyone.

Oh as for work…I am an independent contractor with a pet and home care company. I really enjoy it. There’s no working with humans, its normally all working with pets. Which is great for me. The thing that is frustrating for me is, I have all this talent. Okay maybe not talent, but like you know, potential. I am intelligent, I’ve got common sense, and I learn easily. If I had a bunch of money I’d go to school and get a good degree in something that interests me. But I don’t have a lot of money. Honestly I could be a doctor, or a nurse even. I could be an English teacher at a university. I could be the CEO of a damn company. But I was not dealt the same hand of cards as someone else in a different situation than me. I was not handed a silver spoon and loads of college money to better my future. Instead I am a potential ridden 27 year old who is terrified of having student loans looming over my head, so I sit. And I wait. For my chance. I don’t know what that is though. I just keep hoping it comes to me one day and I can make my move. Get my big break. I’ve worked my ass off since I was 16. So, yeah.

I really am grateful for all that I have. Money in the bank, an amazing boyfriend and partner in crime. A job I enjoy and that pays the bills (that’s basically all though), a car that runs, and food to eat. I never want a six figure income and a giant house, that changes people. I don’t want to change. I just want to stop feeling like my potential is wasted day in and day out. I’ve always wanted to write a book, but every time I start, I always stop. I always lose it. Maybe one day.

Until then, I’ll just enjoy the little things. Like Stephen King books and Autumn leaves. And Coffee on a Monday.

Let us live

“We read five words on the first page of a really good novel and we begin to forget that we are reading words on a page; we begin to see images.”

– John Gardner

My boyfriend and I have been racking our brains to find a way to live. I mean actually live. I don’t mean go to work 5 days a week, for 9 hours a day. I don’t want to sell my time for $10 – $12 an hour, making money for a company whose owner I will never know or meet or care about. This is what I have been doing since I turned 16, and as each day goes on I feel more and more sick of it.

Working in so many different genres of employment, I have seen many things. I have dealt with many people. And overall, working all of these jobs has filled me with a disdain for the human race. How rare it is for me to meet someone I have a connection with. I read an article recently about how it is more difficult for intelligent and intellectual people to make friends and find love. It’s not fair is it? It’s not fair that people with average IQ’s, who see the world so simply, have an easier time making friends and finding love. But they find love with people of their same level, and so how many intelligent intellects tried dating someone of average IQ that sees the world so simply, only for them to feel like in the end there was something wrong with them?

I dated so many people in the past. People that were terrible for me. Men that didn’t have an ounce respect for me. So in turn, I had to learn how to have respect for myself. And when that happened I became an unstoppable force. I learned that it is okay to let someone down….to tell them it isn’t working. I learned a didn’t need a reason…It just was what it was. And when I learned I could do that, and quite easily, my life became substantially better.

Sometimes I have to sit back and remind myself of all that I’ve done. When I am feeling unaccomplished and sad, like my life will never go where I want it, I remember all of these things; I’ve sat in the sand on the beaches of Pedasi, Panama and let my feet soak in the Pacific ocean. I’ve swam in the oceans off of the coast of South America. I’ve made it through times when I felt completely alone and hopeless, and was able to smile afterwards. I’ve been to California, New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, Texas, Florida, Virginia, West Virginia, North Carolina, Utah. I have traveled and seen what else is in this world. I’ve fought for my rights and opened my mind. I’ve trained in one of the best police academies in the United States, and although I didn’t pursue that career, the skills I gained are priceless. I’ve walked into pods full of inmates in a county jail, me against 120 and walked out to talk about it. I’ve fought men and women who are twice as big as me, and walked away. I’ve been so terrified I was going to die that my blood ran cold and I couldn’t breathe but I made it. I’ve been pepper sprayed, gassed and attacked but I am still here today to write about. I’ve let go of love when it was the last thing I wanted to do. And I found it again.

Now it’s my turn. I’d rather live in a tent with the sole duty to keep myself and my love happy and alive, than spend another day working in a stale building, dealing with entitled and ungrateful people. People who are so rude it’s unbelievable that they can treat another human the way I’ve been treated. I want to get away from the crime. I want get away from the pollution. I want to get away from it all. And we are working on it. Plans into motion. In less than a month we move to a new place we’ve never been an I am so excited. And most of all I am so happy and grateful to have found someone to spend the rest of my life with.

What is happy?

Recently I came across a post on social media by The Oatmeal where he discussed happiness. He said he wasn’t a happy person, but he also wasn’t unhappy. And he went on to explain what he thought happiness was.

Basically he said that happiness could easily be only a word, that made people realize they were unhappy. Or at least lead people to believe they were unhappy.

I remember when I was kid in school, I used to get so excited for the weekend. I used to have a feeling of pure joy knowing that I had 2 days off to do whatever I wanted. Now I find myself complacent, just looking forward to my next days off while feeling miserable standing at a cash register helping entitled people who overpay on everything I ring up and put into a bag. My life has become a monotonous charade of the same thing every day.  But am I happy? And if I am not, what would make me happy? Do I even know?

People seem to have a general idea that to be happy, they need certain elements. A family, friends, money and a home. But I know plenty of people with all of these things, and yet they don’t seem happy.

But what if we forget the word happy? Have you ever just been going along with your life, and then someone asks you if you’re happy? And you stop and you think:

” I don’t know, am I?”

Then suddenly, all of these things come flooding to your mind and you start to realize, you’re not happy. The next thing you need to ask yourself is, are you fulfilled? Do you live a life that you’re proud of? And if you don’t, why don’t you change it?

Honestly, I am not happy. I am not a bubbly person. I don’t look forward to things, I take them as they come. Perhaps this is from being alive for 27 years and losing that child naivety that I once had. The sad part is, I remember how I used to be.

I remember that I loved all the wrong guys with all of my heart. When I appreciated waking up next to someone I loved, thinking they loved me back. I remember being heartbroken. And somewhere along the way I lost that part of myself. And now I’ve finally found the man I will spend the rest of my life with, and I appreciate him only half as much as I once did the others. Why is this? And can I change it? This man I love and who loves me back is amazing. He has done amazing things with his life. He is only 28 and has been in another country with nothing but a few good men and a rifle to protect himself. He has risked his life for this country. He has most likely killed others wishing to do him harm, and he has seen things that I am sure would only tear a person apart.

He has been married and blindly in love when he was young. He has learned from his mistakes, and made plenty of them like anyone else. But he has never been to jail, he has held steady jobs and he has a heart bigger than anyone I’ve ever met. So if a man like him can go through all of that and still be the biggest sweet heart and caring person I’ve ever met, what is wrong with me? a few years ago before I went into the police academy, I was a naïve 20-something who thought the world revolved around her. I was quiet and friendly and although I had thoughts in my head, I didn’t voice them regularly for fear that they would make others angry or upset.

So after 6 months of learning how to be strong, and pushing myself to every limit I had, I changed. Of course I did. And no matter how much I tried, I could never get back to the old me. And I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. I remember the first time I had to yell in scenario training. I was too quiet and wasn’t getting my point across. The first time I was angry, upset and pissed all at the same time I had to yell, at the top of my lungs to get someone to do something, and it felt great. I learned to speak my mind and in the academy they teach you that its your way or the highway. They teach you a lot of things. And slowly I discovered who I was and stopped apologizing for it. But I knew I didn’t want to be a cop. I knew 2 months in that this dream I had for almost my entire life was fading. And here I am, wondering what to do now….

Now I am a bully. I am a jerk. And compromise isn’t something that comes easy to me. I am a control freak. I like things my way. And when someone doesn’t speak up for themselves and acts like a victim, I immediately lose a lot of respect for them. So here I am with a boyfriend, who has a heart of pure gold, who sings to our cat when he pets her sometimes and calls me and her his little family. And I bully him, quite often. He deserves to  be treated like a king and I am a jerk to him. I can’t blame it on my past relationships, I can’t blame it on the academy, but I can say that it contributed a lot to my changes.

I want to be a nicer person, I want to make changes to have a better relationship. And I am working on that. I guess I don’t really know what happiness is, because I don’t feel it all the time. I don’t walk around smiling all the time and I have a horrible case of resting bitch face. But ultimately I really am content. There are days when I feel terribly lost and where I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. And those days are scary, but I do know that things tend to work out. I am motivated, and I am a good person and I wish the best for most people. But if given the opportunity I would love to move with my love and go out somewhere in a cozy little house and just live the rest of my life away from people. I am not a people person, and honestly if I never saw another human again apart from those I love I would be completely okay with that.

I am not happy, but I’m not unhappy. I am okay with this.

 

Letting go.

 

let it go

I’ve realized recently that you can tell yourself you’ve done something a million times, but if it’s not tangible and right in front of your face, where’s the proof? The proof is in the pudding. It’s the way you treat people, the way you treat those that you love. And it’s in the way that you treat yourself.

It hit me the other day when I was having yet another argument, started by me, with my boyfriend. It seemed that about 4 months into our relationship we just started fighting all the time. It was like a revelation the other night, it just hit me. I was holding resentment, and a lot of it. And sad thing was, it wasn’t resentment for him. My poor guy had done nothing wrong. Honestly, it’s like I’ve got this amazing man in my life, standing beside me everyday, and I do nothing but try to sabotage it. But why?? I ask that a lot…but why. I am going to school for psychology so my mind definitely asks a lot of questions, all the time. And it’s like this light bulb went off. I was sad and happy all at the same time.

I WASN’T LETTING MYSELF BE HAPPY.

For some reason, I was holding myself back. And immediately it was like I knew exactly why.

MY LAST RELATIONSHIP.

I was taking out all my anger and resentment for my ex, on my boyfriend. I know, I know. You’re sitting there thinking, same old story different day. And I always thought the same thing. You always hear people “I can’t open up, I have a wall up.” Blah Blah Blah. But it’s the truth! To me, it was as if I had spent so much time being an ignorant dumbass with my ex, I blamed myself when it all came crashing down and I got hurt worse than I ever had in my life. I mean, there were nights where I just prayed to take away the pain, like I’d rather have a sledgehammer to the leg than feel one more night of sorrow and heartbreak. But like all hearts do, mine healed. I moved on and started realizing what it was to be human to again.

And I had no idea how it would be for my next relationship. And obviously it wasn’t good. I can say I am lucky enough to have a man that doesn’t run at the first sign of instability in me. He is amazing, and he is here to fight for us. Because sometimes in relationships, you’ve got to. You have ups and down, and its all worth it, as long as you are happy. So I wanted to write a few things out, things I am letting go. There are too many to put on here, I’d be writing for hours and you’d stop reading out of pure boredom. But here are just a few (They are from my last relationship):

  1. When we were in Panama and we were fighting (again) and I sat on the bed when you left the hotel room and I had never felt so alone in my entire life. In that very moment, I felt like I was a tiny dot in the world and there was no one around. I was 1000 miles from home and you weren’t there for me. You walked out just like you always did. I am letting that go.
  2. When I logged online to Facebook stalk you. When I saw you had added a pretty little girl to your friends list and my heart sank. I clicked on her profile and there, staring right at me, was a picture of you and her. Smiling. Both of you just smiling, like you didn’t have a care in the world. 1 WEEK AFTER WE BROKE UP. Everything I ever thought about love, everything I ever believed about being faithful and truthful, gone. I broke then, I broke so bad I could hardly breathe. The kind of broken you think only cigarettes and Jack Daniels can cure. I am letting that go.
  3. The time we were at your sisters, and I was 2000 miles away from home, on the other side of the country. We were fighting (about the normal thing, I just couldn’t look past your illegal extracurricular activities) and you said you were going to leave me there, in a home with people I’d just met, far away from anyone I knew, to go spend the night at your friends house. I know now you weren’t going there. You were the best at looking someone in the eye and lying. And I looked at you, and I screamed “I hate you, I fucking hate you!!” Because you were breaking my heart and I didn’t know what else to say. And you stood in the doorway and looked at me with tears in your eyes and you walked over and kissed me on the forehead and said “I’ll regret not doing that.” And you left. And I didn’t see you for 3 days, and you forced me to believe the best thing to do was finally, give up. I bought a plane ticket home and you saw me off at the airport. Crocodile tears, the ones that poured from your eyes onto my face as you kissed me and said we’d see each other soon. Deep down we both knew, it would be the final goodbye. I am letting that go.

It’s time to be happy, and not ruin the best thing I’ve ever had. I am in love, and I am loved back. And it’s finally my turn. My turn to let go.