Rock bottom. Everyone experiences it in their lifetime…sometimes multiple times, unfortunately. Is it unfortunate though? Perhaps for some, I think. For me, it did what all the stories and magazines and books say it will do: it built me. Sitting at the bottom of an endless cavern of self doubt and misery morphed me into something different. Like a butterfly finally breaking free of it’s cocoon, I opened my wings and thought “Look how beautiful I am”. The self love grew at an extremely quick rate. Just like time flies, so did my passion for life. And I began to realize that in the end, i’m all I’ve got, so I better treat me right.

And now a night alone on the couch with wine and popcorn sounds better than any date. A day of self love and encouragement sounds better than any social gathering. I am confident and strong, and at times this seems like more of a curse than a blessing, for I haven’t found that many others to surround myself with that are in the same place in life as me. They’re worth waiting for. As for me, I’ll allow my love to grow and multiply and spread it around my little world like jam of a warm piece of toast.

A man.

Let’s talk about a man

His scent as I bury my face in his neck

The taste of his skin as I gently bite down

It’s primal, this need to nip and bite and taste

How about the way his smooth back feels as it runs under my soft hands, feeling… always feeling

Greedy and alive

His lower back, taut and ready and willing

To be touched and caressed

And the energy, shared between us as our bodies touch in the most intimate way

Feeling things we won’t forget until next time

Saying things we’ll forget tomorrow

Touch me, with more than just your hands

Emotional Destruction

Emotional destruction. You know the feeling? The kind that makes you feel subhuman; makes you feel your mortality, yet also makes you feel more alive than you’ve ever been. I recently wrote a prompt on “Equus” written by Peter Shaffer. In this story the idea of normalcy becomes a bit blurred. A seemingly “normal” psychiatrist begins to envy a seemingly not normal patient. When one lacks passion in their lives it has a detrimental affect on their happiness. When one looses passion they lose a large part of themselves…for what is life without passion?

We could die at any moment. Let the passion flow.

You must empower yourself

Let your passion epitomize your love for creativity. Let it careen through the hills of your imagination, growing larger as it rolls down the mountains of who you truly are. Grasp for the paper-mache stars hanging brightly above your mind, leading to your next fruitful destination of empowerment.

It really is quite true that the best thoughts and ideas pour into your mind as soon as all the light are off, when the night is quiet and you’re comfortably in your warm bed. Sometimes I write and I feel nothing. Sometimes I write and I feel ridiculously inspired. Through a series of unfortunate events in my life I learned how to empower myself. I didn’t have a group of fans behind me cheering me up the next set of steps. I was essentially like Rocky, pushing myself to become the best version of me. I think anyone above the age of 16 has wanted to die before. I mean not REALLY die, but thought about it at least. That first substantial disappointment that occurs in life. The one that forces you to realize “Oh shit, it’s not all about me.” I spent a lot of time in my early and mid-20’s thinking “Is this it? Is this all that is life?”

I truly believe, and will until I die, that you MUST love yourself and be fully aware of who you are before you can truly love someone else and expect them to love you back. The difficult part about being a person who loves themselves and is aware of who they are, is that it is so fucking difficult to find someone who is on that same page. Next time someone does something that angers you or frustrates you, think about why that person did it. Why does someone get angry at the drop of the hat? Why does someone take something extremely personally when it wasn’t even about them? Why is someone terribly over-emotional? (I am not talking about crying when someone gets the golden buzzer on The Voice…I am talking way more extreme than that) The answer to all of these is….ding ding ding, they’re unhappy with themselves! It is a trickle down effect really. Someone may feel resentment towards life because they got married too young and they fear they missed out on living a part of their life out. Maybe they had children and it was an accident and now they wonder how their life would have been if they’d have waited. It can be so many things really. I think back to my past and what brought me to where I am now and how quickly a tiny thing could have took me somewhere else. I can honestly 100% say that if I had had children I don’t think I’d be as content as I am now. If I had gotten married I would either be divorced or miserable. If I’d have settled I’d be sad and disappointed in myself. Childless and single is where I am now, and I am 110% okay with it. It is my choice after all.

I don’t know where I was going with this post, I get lost in thought sometimes and just ramble. What I’d like to write more about is my journey to self discovery and awareness, and how I got where I am mentally and spiritually. My first tip: Don’t let the actions/attitudes of others in this world bring you down. It’s all on them, don’t let their negativity and crappiness cramp your positivity. In your journey to self discovery and empowerment don’t let another persons denial dampen your shine.