Reflect

It’s pretty humbling how much situations can change in such a short period of time. Although it’s only been a month or so since I last posted, things have changed drastically. I have a new job which is like a breath of fresh air after being unemployed for a few months. I don’t hate it. It’s a step up from the soul-sucking data entry job I worked at for 2 weeks. I just need to make it through school. I graduate in less than 2 years and I have already begun dabbling in the employer connection website resources that help students find work. I am thinking of doing an internship (paid or unpaid, doesn’t matter at this point) just to get a portfolio going. This is my future and I want it to be bright.

More coming soon. I’ve also started a sister blog to this one that is darker and…scarier. It’s a blog that will be filled with horror movie reviews and scary stories written by yours truly.

http://www.mysweethorror.home.blog

 

Rock bottom?

My mental health has not been great lately. For the first time in my life I am having days where I’m not okay. It took me a while to realize it. My life is in a strange place right now. I haven’t had a job for a few months, my bank account is dwindling and although I am putting in tons of applications I can’t seem to get a call. And the truth is, I don’t want to work. Not in the traditional way. I have had so many jobs in the past that made me miserable. Devoting 40 hours a week to a place that would replace me in a second, being underpaid for the work I do, mistreated and disrespected by customers and managers. But the truth is, I have a life to live. And if I want to live it on my own terms I need to finish school. So I have to try to put the anxiety about my classes in the backseat and just do my best. I am only taking one class this session and it’s my last German class which is great because it’s one of the most challenging ones.

I haven’t felt in control lately. In the last 2 weeks I’ve had at least 3 mental breakdowns/freakouts. If it weren’t for my best friend I don’t know what I’d do. It scares me because I don’t know if my mental health is deteriorating or if I am going through a rough patch. I decided to accept a job at a data entry place. It seems mind numbing and terrible but it’s through a temp agency and so I only have to work there for as long as I want until I find something better. It pays decent and it’s steady work so maybe I’ll feel better having some income coming into my bank account.

I just have felt very depressed lately. All the newness and excitement for life just seemed to vanish. I took a short trip to see my mom and I had to get on 4 different airplanes which isn’t fun for someone afraid of flying. Surprisingly it eased my fear of flight but the trip in it’s entirety filled me with anxiety and sadness…it’s a long story but seeing my mom made me feel sad as she doesn’t care of herself and is getting sick.

Everything just seems to be hitting me at once. I am 29, 30 next month. I feel like as a woman when you hit 30 it’s like your expiration date is coming up. If you’re not married/in a relationship by then good luck finding something. I am also overweight and even though I try to accept myself for who I am I find it difficult sometimes. Food brings me joy in life. For the last 2 weeks I have been on the Keto diet and I have lost 10 pounds but it’s been anything but easy. I cheated a bit tonight and had Chick-Fil-A and it was delicious, but food is like a drug to me and I feel like I relapsed. It will be interesting to see if I can get back on the Keto wagon tomorrow.

I guess the older you get the more real life becomes. I just want to graduate and then do something with my life on my own terms. I want a job I don’t hate. I want to write. I want to travel. I want to do so many things and my anxiety is always in the back of my mind reminding me that I could end up like so many others…on their death bed wishing they could go back and do things differently. Sad because they didn’t get to do all they’d hoped.

I want more than that.

Looking both ways

From a young age you’re taught to look both ways before you cross the street. As life goes on you’re taught to look both ways when you’re driving through an intersection. Look both ways when you’re stepping off a curb. This adds up to the idea that you should always look both ways, no matter what you’re doing. Don’t become complacent.

In every aspect of our lives we look both ways. When making a decision we weigh the pros and cons. We imagine the different outcomes. It could either go this way or that way. When we chose to love we make a conscious decision to open our hearts, or not to.

Looking both ways makes everything simpler yet more complicated.

Sometimes it’s easier just to be impulsive.

Where am I?

I haven’t written anything in quite some time. The only excuse I have come up with is that I’ve been moving and getting settled into the new place. The move has been good. I (we) needed to get out of that depressing little town we were in. Oklahoma is amazing, beautiful and the quality of life here is already substantially better.

I read something the other day along the lines of “Being 16-25 is like playing a video game and skipping the tutorial…just kind of winging it”. I thought that was interesting. Here I am at 27 years old (holy fuck) and still not having a clue what is going on sometimes.

There are societal norms that most everyone pushes themselves to conform to. Like, at a certain age you’re supposed to have a nice car, and then a nice husband (wife?) and then comes the fancy house and the children. Oh and lets not forget a great job. I think music and television make us believe that it is the “norm” to have these things by the time you’re 30, when I know plenty of 50 somethings that don’t even have these things. I won’t even say that they haven’t accomplished these things, they just don’t have them. Are these things really accomplishments? Maybe to some people, but I feel like to more and more people, these things don’t matter as much.

With a world full of looming debt for college students and uncertainty for their way of life, more and more people are skipping the norms and just doing what makes them happy. They’re not so worried about the societal pressures to have all of the things that “normal” people have by a certain age. And maybe that’s me.

I am 27 and I drive a 2002 Chevy Malibu. And I’m okay with it. I have no car payment. I learned the hard way that buying a new car and shelling out $300+ a month was not a good decision on my part. I know I’ll need a new(er) car eventually, but for right now my little beater works. I don’t have a nice house. I have a decent sized apartment in a decent apartment complex with neighbors that apparently wear bricks on their feet when they’re home upstairs. And I am okay with that too. I have no inkling to go shell out $100,000+ on a house. I am not even married. OMG. I have a wonderful boyfriend that I’ve been with for over a year. Our relationship isn’t perfect, we aren’t perfect. But it works for us. We are both loyal, love one another and stick through thick and thin. And that works for us. I don’t have kids. In the last town I lived in, people looked at me like something was wrong with me. I didn’t have kids?! Well why not?! In that town, the only thing to do was settle down by the time you’re 20 and pop out kid after kid. People would ask me why in the world I’m waiting so long to have kids. I wanted to tell them to look around at all the zombie parents in this town. Toting around 3 or 4 kids, looking like they haven’t smiled in ages. I am not saying that its terrible for everyone. Some people I do believe were born to be parents. It is what fulfills them. But I see a lot of people missing something in their lives, so instead of being a kid and enjoying it, they have kids, and that hardly works out for anyone.

Oh as for work…I am an independent contractor with a pet and home care company. I really enjoy it. There’s no working with humans, its normally all working with pets. Which is great for me. The thing that is frustrating for me is, I have all this talent. Okay maybe not talent, but like you know, potential. I am intelligent, I’ve got common sense, and I learn easily. If I had a bunch of money I’d go to school and get a good degree in something that interests me. But I don’t have a lot of money. Honestly I could be a doctor, or a nurse even. I could be an English teacher at a university. I could be the CEO of a damn company. But I was not dealt the same hand of cards as someone else in a different situation than me. I was not handed a silver spoon and loads of college money to better my future. Instead I am a potential ridden 27 year old who is terrified of having student loans looming over my head, so I sit. And I wait. For my chance. I don’t know what that is though. I just keep hoping it comes to me one day and I can make my move. Get my big break. I’ve worked my ass off since I was 16. So, yeah.

I really am grateful for all that I have. Money in the bank, an amazing boyfriend and partner in crime. A job I enjoy and that pays the bills (that’s basically all though), a car that runs, and food to eat. I never want a six figure income and a giant house, that changes people. I don’t want to change. I just want to stop feeling like my potential is wasted day in and day out. I’ve always wanted to write a book, but every time I start, I always stop. I always lose it. Maybe one day.

Until then, I’ll just enjoy the little things. Like Stephen King books and Autumn leaves. And Coffee on a Monday.

Let us live

“We read five words on the first page of a really good novel and we begin to forget that we are reading words on a page; we begin to see images.”

– John Gardner

My boyfriend and I have been racking our brains to find a way to live. I mean actually live. I don’t mean go to work 5 days a week, for 9 hours a day. I don’t want to sell my time for $10 – $12 an hour, making money for a company whose owner I will never know or meet or care about. This is what I have been doing since I turned 16, and as each day goes on I feel more and more sick of it.

Working in so many different genres of employment, I have seen many things. I have dealt with many people. And overall, working all of these jobs has filled me with a disdain for the human race. How rare it is for me to meet someone I have a connection with. I read an article recently about how it is more difficult for intelligent and intellectual people to make friends and find love. It’s not fair is it? It’s not fair that people with average IQ’s, who see the world so simply, have an easier time making friends and finding love. But they find love with people of their same level, and so how many intelligent intellects tried dating someone of average IQ that sees the world so simply, only for them to feel like in the end there was something wrong with them?

I dated so many people in the past. People that were terrible for me. Men that didn’t have an ounce respect for me. So in turn, I had to learn how to have respect for myself. And when that happened I became an unstoppable force. I learned that it is okay to let someone down….to tell them it isn’t working. I learned a didn’t need a reason…It just was what it was. And when I learned I could do that, and quite easily, my life became substantially better.

Sometimes I have to sit back and remind myself of all that I’ve done. When I am feeling unaccomplished and sad, like my life will never go where I want it, I remember all of these things; I’ve sat in the sand on the beaches of Pedasi, Panama and let my feet soak in the Pacific ocean. I’ve swam in the oceans off of the coast of South America. I’ve made it through times when I felt completely alone and hopeless, and was able to smile afterwards. I’ve been to California, New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, Texas, Florida, Virginia, West Virginia, North Carolina, Utah. I have traveled and seen what else is in this world. I’ve fought for my rights and opened my mind. I’ve trained in one of the best police academies in the United States, and although I didn’t pursue that career, the skills I gained are priceless. I’ve walked into pods full of inmates in a county jail, me against 120 and walked out to talk about it. I’ve fought men and women who are twice as big as me, and walked away. I’ve been so terrified I was going to die that my blood ran cold and I couldn’t breathe but I made it. I’ve been pepper sprayed, gassed and attacked but I am still here today to write about. I’ve let go of love when it was the last thing I wanted to do. And I found it again.

Now it’s my turn. I’d rather live in a tent with the sole duty to keep myself and my love happy and alive, than spend another day working in a stale building, dealing with entitled and ungrateful people. People who are so rude it’s unbelievable that they can treat another human the way I’ve been treated. I want to get away from the crime. I want get away from the pollution. I want to get away from it all. And we are working on it. Plans into motion. In less than a month we move to a new place we’ve never been an I am so excited. And most of all I am so happy and grateful to have found someone to spend the rest of my life with.

White picket fence.

Throughout my entire life I always thought that finding my one true love would be so simple. When I was in 7th grade I thought I loved a guy who was in one of my classes. When I was in my Junior year of high school I really did love my first boyfriend. I loved him in the “new” love kind of way….in the way that you really don’t have a clue what you’re doing so you just follow your heart. After multiple heartbreaks I found myself reading a lot of motivational sayings and quotes. In the beginning they made me feel better, but after the 3rd heartbreak I just started to say…well, f*ck it. I gave up. I just decided that if I can get my heartbroken THIS many times, I am just going to give up.

I can have a big house, with a lot of things and a good job, all by myself. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I don’t NEED a man.

I would listen to all of the stories all over the internet about how all of these women thought they’d never find the love of their life and then one day they did. And that they just knew he was “the one”. Barf. I didn’t believe it. I felt bad for these women thinking that their guy wasn’t going to go out and cheat on them. I felt bad for these women that thought that they’d found the one, and that he was always going to be around. Needless to say, I was burned and bitter.

But a lot of things changed in the year after my last break-up. I learned a lot about myself and who I was. And slowly but surely I started to realize something; I truly don’t need a man. But it would sure be nice to find someone to spend my life with. What is having the goal of getting a big house and a lot of things and a great job, without someone to share it with? Perhaps if I patiently waited I’d find someone who wanted to be with me, just as much as I wanted to be with them.

I met him at work. Well, I used to work there. We both did. And as soon as I saw him I knew. It sounds SOOOO lame especially because I was so opposed to it. But I really, truly did. Something inside me just lit up. And he wasn’t a Fabio look a like, and he wasn’t 6 foot tall with dark hair and dark eyes. Nope. He had a shaved head, and crystal blue eyes and all I knew was that I wanted to see more of him. Every time I saw him at work something told me that I wanted to see more of him. I came close to asking him out a hundred times, but I didn’t. I felt I needed to wait. And eventually, because he had no idea I liked him, I just told him. And he took me on our first date. And he made me laugh more than I’d laughed in a long time. I felt safe with him, and comfortable. And I fell in love. And so did he. And now, I know without a shadow of a doubt I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He didn’t complete me, I did. Long before I met him. But what he did do was show me that just when you are about to give up on love, love comes in whether you like it or not.

Now I know that I don’t want a big house, or a lot of things. I learned to let go of the material things in my life and focus on what is important. And to me, that is enjoying every minute I have with this amazing man who lights up my whole world.

I always do this.

I start blogs and then never write in them. I don’t want to do that anymore. Even though no one reads my stuff, I still need to write. After all, I want to write a book one day, so a blog is a good place to start.

Over the summer I haven’t been taking classes. Basically I am broke and the government said “Fuck you, no more monies” and I didn’t have the funds to pay for college. I will start going again in Oklahoma, when we move.

Craziest thing though….just like any 20-something, I don’t know what the hell I want to do with my life. When I was 10 I wanted to be a veterinarian. When I was 11-21 I wanted to a police officer, and then I gave that a shot and didn’t like it. Recently I thought I wanted to be a psychologist, but am wondering if I’d really be happy listening to other peoples problems all day. Money isn’t everything. Currently I work as a cashier. It was for a seasonal position. I did a great job apparently, and even though they knew I was going to be moving in 2 months, they kept me on permanently and gave me a raise.

I used to be a people person, but being around people ruined that.

I absolutely cannot stand retail. I need to get out of it ASAP. But what is next for me? The boyfriend got his CDL and is out of town driving trucks all around California and Oregon. I am at home alone working a part time job and wondering what the hell I am doing. Sometimes people make life seem so simple…and it truly is. Just be happy. And I am..so truly happy and grateful for all that I have. But I have got to get out of this job where I constantly want to punch people in the throat. It’s not healthy.

I’d rather work with inmates inside of a jail (last job) than deal with the general public. At least at the jail if someone was disrespectful to you, you could send them to lock down and tell them to shut the f*ck up. Can’t exactly do that in retail…not out loud anyways.

Next goal: Find out what I want to do with my life!!! I’m 27, not getting any younger…..F*ck I feel old…and chubby….but mostly just old.

Letting go.

 

let it go

I’ve realized recently that you can tell yourself you’ve done something a million times, but if it’s not tangible and right in front of your face, where’s the proof? The proof is in the pudding. It’s the way you treat people, the way you treat those that you love. And it’s in the way that you treat yourself.

It hit me the other day when I was having yet another argument, started by me, with my boyfriend. It seemed that about 4 months into our relationship we just started fighting all the time. It was like a revelation the other night, it just hit me. I was holding resentment, and a lot of it. And sad thing was, it wasn’t resentment for him. My poor guy had done nothing wrong. Honestly, it’s like I’ve got this amazing man in my life, standing beside me everyday, and I do nothing but try to sabotage it. But why?? I ask that a lot…but why. I am going to school for psychology so my mind definitely asks a lot of questions, all the time. And it’s like this light bulb went off. I was sad and happy all at the same time.

I WASN’T LETTING MYSELF BE HAPPY.

For some reason, I was holding myself back. And immediately it was like I knew exactly why.

MY LAST RELATIONSHIP.

I was taking out all my anger and resentment for my ex, on my boyfriend. I know, I know. You’re sitting there thinking, same old story different day. And I always thought the same thing. You always hear people “I can’t open up, I have a wall up.” Blah Blah Blah. But it’s the truth! To me, it was as if I had spent so much time being an ignorant dumbass with my ex, I blamed myself when it all came crashing down and I got hurt worse than I ever had in my life. I mean, there were nights where I just prayed to take away the pain, like I’d rather have a sledgehammer to the leg than feel one more night of sorrow and heartbreak. But like all hearts do, mine healed. I moved on and started realizing what it was to be human to again.

And I had no idea how it would be for my next relationship. And obviously it wasn’t good. I can say I am lucky enough to have a man that doesn’t run at the first sign of instability in me. He is amazing, and he is here to fight for us. Because sometimes in relationships, you’ve got to. You have ups and down, and its all worth it, as long as you are happy. So I wanted to write a few things out, things I am letting go. There are too many to put on here, I’d be writing for hours and you’d stop reading out of pure boredom. But here are just a few (They are from my last relationship):

  1. When we were in Panama and we were fighting (again) and I sat on the bed when you left the hotel room and I had never felt so alone in my entire life. In that very moment, I felt like I was a tiny dot in the world and there was no one around. I was 1000 miles from home and you weren’t there for me. You walked out just like you always did. I am letting that go.
  2. When I logged online to Facebook stalk you. When I saw you had added a pretty little girl to your friends list and my heart sank. I clicked on her profile and there, staring right at me, was a picture of you and her. Smiling. Both of you just smiling, like you didn’t have a care in the world. 1 WEEK AFTER WE BROKE UP. Everything I ever thought about love, everything I ever believed about being faithful and truthful, gone. I broke then, I broke so bad I could hardly breathe. The kind of broken you think only cigarettes and Jack Daniels can cure. I am letting that go.
  3. The time we were at your sisters, and I was 2000 miles away from home, on the other side of the country. We were fighting (about the normal thing, I just couldn’t look past your illegal extracurricular activities) and you said you were going to leave me there, in a home with people I’d just met, far away from anyone I knew, to go spend the night at your friends house. I know now you weren’t going there. You were the best at looking someone in the eye and lying. And I looked at you, and I screamed “I hate you, I fucking hate you!!” Because you were breaking my heart and I didn’t know what else to say. And you stood in the doorway and looked at me with tears in your eyes and you walked over and kissed me on the forehead and said “I’ll regret not doing that.” And you left. And I didn’t see you for 3 days, and you forced me to believe the best thing to do was finally, give up. I bought a plane ticket home and you saw me off at the airport. Crocodile tears, the ones that poured from your eyes onto my face as you kissed me and said we’d see each other soon. Deep down we both knew, it would be the final goodbye. I am letting that go.

It’s time to be happy, and not ruin the best thing I’ve ever had. I am in love, and I am loved back. And it’s finally my turn. My turn to let go.