A man.

Let’s talk about a man

His scent as I bury my face in his neck

The taste of his skin as I gently bite down

It’s primal, this need to nip and bite and taste

How about the way his smooth back feels as it runs under my soft hands, feeling… always feeling

Greedy and alive

His lower back, taut and ready and willing

To be touched and caressed

And the energy, shared between us as our bodies touch in the most intimate way

Feeling things we won’t forget until next time

Saying things we’ll forget tomorrow

Touch me, with more than just your hands

Glimpse

Beneath your skin there are dragon’s scales

Shiny and holographic, laced with gold

Occasionally on a quick movement or a start, I catch a glimpse of that gold glitter in my periphery

We’re never taught what love is, we’re shown

And we never get to decide if we’re shown well

As soon as it happens it can be gone

With nothing but the memory of a glimpse

A glimpse of glitter gold

 

Gefühle

Sadness

It leaves scars in it’s wake
It leaves death and destruction
Like a tidal wave it comes forth and then recedes
Shattered pieces of battered people
Sadness breeds loneliness
It nurtures dark thoughts
It breathes yet it isn’t alive

Happiness

It’s temporary
This makes it hard to accept
Like a bad parent, it leaves one day
Without happiness a purgatory begins
Somewhere between sadness and…
Something else

What is happy?

Recently I came across a post on social media by The Oatmeal where he discussed happiness. He said he wasn’t a happy person, but he also wasn’t unhappy. And he went on to explain what he thought happiness was.

Basically he said that happiness could easily be only a word, that made people realize they were unhappy. Or at least lead people to believe they were unhappy.

I remember when I was kid in school, I used to get so excited for the weekend. I used to have a feeling of pure joy knowing that I had 2 days off to do whatever I wanted. Now I find myself complacent, just looking forward to my next days off while feeling miserable standing at a cash register helping entitled people who overpay on everything I ring up and put into a bag. My life has become a monotonous charade of the same thing every day.  But am I happy? And if I am not, what would make me happy? Do I even know?

People seem to have a general idea that to be happy, they need certain elements. A family, friends, money and a home. But I know plenty of people with all of these things, and yet they don’t seem happy.

But what if we forget the word happy? Have you ever just been going along with your life, and then someone asks you if you’re happy? And you stop and you think:

” I don’t know, am I?”

Then suddenly, all of these things come flooding to your mind and you start to realize, you’re not happy. The next thing you need to ask yourself is, are you fulfilled? Do you live a life that you’re proud of? And if you don’t, why don’t you change it?

Honestly, I am not happy. I am not a bubbly person. I don’t look forward to things, I take them as they come. Perhaps this is from being alive for 27 years and losing that child naivety that I once had. The sad part is, I remember how I used to be.

I remember that I loved all the wrong guys with all of my heart. When I appreciated waking up next to someone I loved, thinking they loved me back. I remember being heartbroken. And somewhere along the way I lost that part of myself. And now I’ve finally found the man I will spend the rest of my life with, and I appreciate him only half as much as I once did the others. Why is this? And can I change it? This man I love and who loves me back is amazing. He has done amazing things with his life. He is only 28 and has been in another country with nothing but a few good men and a rifle to protect himself. He has risked his life for this country. He has most likely killed others wishing to do him harm, and he has seen things that I am sure would only tear a person apart.

He has been married and blindly in love when he was young. He has learned from his mistakes, and made plenty of them like anyone else. But he has never been to jail, he has held steady jobs and he has a heart bigger than anyone I’ve ever met. So if a man like him can go through all of that and still be the biggest sweet heart and caring person I’ve ever met, what is wrong with me? a few years ago before I went into the police academy, I was a naïve 20-something who thought the world revolved around her. I was quiet and friendly and although I had thoughts in my head, I didn’t voice them regularly for fear that they would make others angry or upset.

So after 6 months of learning how to be strong, and pushing myself to every limit I had, I changed. Of course I did. And no matter how much I tried, I could never get back to the old me. And I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. I remember the first time I had to yell in scenario training. I was too quiet and wasn’t getting my point across. The first time I was angry, upset and pissed all at the same time I had to yell, at the top of my lungs to get someone to do something, and it felt great. I learned to speak my mind and in the academy they teach you that its your way or the highway. They teach you a lot of things. And slowly I discovered who I was and stopped apologizing for it. But I knew I didn’t want to be a cop. I knew 2 months in that this dream I had for almost my entire life was fading. And here I am, wondering what to do now….

Now I am a bully. I am a jerk. And compromise isn’t something that comes easy to me. I am a control freak. I like things my way. And when someone doesn’t speak up for themselves and acts like a victim, I immediately lose a lot of respect for them. So here I am with a boyfriend, who has a heart of pure gold, who sings to our cat when he pets her sometimes and calls me and her his little family. And I bully him, quite often. He deserves to  be treated like a king and I am a jerk to him. I can’t blame it on my past relationships, I can’t blame it on the academy, but I can say that it contributed a lot to my changes.

I want to be a nicer person, I want to make changes to have a better relationship. And I am working on that. I guess I don’t really know what happiness is, because I don’t feel it all the time. I don’t walk around smiling all the time and I have a horrible case of resting bitch face. But ultimately I really am content. There are days when I feel terribly lost and where I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. And those days are scary, but I do know that things tend to work out. I am motivated, and I am a good person and I wish the best for most people. But if given the opportunity I would love to move with my love and go out somewhere in a cozy little house and just live the rest of my life away from people. I am not a people person, and honestly if I never saw another human again apart from those I love I would be completely okay with that.

I am not happy, but I’m not unhappy. I am okay with this.