Where am I?

I haven’t written anything in quite some time. The only excuse I have come up with is that I’ve been moving and getting settled into the new place. The move has been good. I (we) needed to get out of that depressing little town we were in. Oklahoma is amazing, beautiful and the quality of life here is already substantially better.

I read something the other day along the lines of “Being 16-25 is like playing a video game and skipping the tutorial…just kind of winging it”. I thought that was interesting. Here I am at 27 years old (holy fuck) and still not having a clue what is going on sometimes.

There are societal norms that most everyone pushes themselves to conform to. Like, at a certain age you’re supposed to have a nice car, and then a nice husband (wife?) and then comes the fancy house and the children. Oh and lets not forget a great job. I think music and television make us believe that it is the “norm” to have these things by the time you’re 30, when I know plenty of 50 somethings that don’t even have these things. I won’t even say that they haven’t accomplished these things, they just don’t have them. Are these things really accomplishments? Maybe to some people, but I feel like to more and more people, these things don’t matter as much.

With a world full of looming debt for college students and uncertainty for their way of life, more and more people are skipping the norms and just doing what makes them happy. They’re not so worried about the societal pressures to have all of the things that “normal” people have by a certain age. And maybe that’s me.

I am 27 and I drive a 2002 Chevy Malibu. And I’m okay with it. I have no car payment. I learned the hard way that buying a new car and shelling out $300+ a month was not a good decision on my part. I know I’ll need a new(er) car eventually, but for right now my little beater works. I don’t have a nice house. I have a decent sized apartment in a decent apartment complex with neighbors that apparently wear bricks on their feet when they’re home upstairs. And I am okay with that too. I have no inkling to go shell out $100,000+ on a house. I am not even married. OMG. I have a wonderful boyfriend that I’ve been with for over a year. Our relationship isn’t perfect, we aren’t perfect. But it works for us. We are both loyal, love one another and stick through thick and thin. And that works for us. I don’t have kids. In the last town I lived in, people looked at me like something was wrong with me. I didn’t have kids?! Well why not?! In that town, the only thing to do was settle down by the time you’re 20 and pop out kid after kid. People would ask me why in the world I’m waiting so long to have kids. I wanted to tell them to look around at all the zombie parents in this town. Toting around 3 or 4 kids, looking like they haven’t smiled in ages. I am not saying that its terrible for everyone. Some people I do believe were born to be parents. It is what fulfills them. But I see a lot of people missing something in their lives, so instead of being a kid and enjoying it, they have kids, and that hardly works out for anyone.

Oh as for work…I am an independent contractor with a pet and home care company. I really enjoy it. There’s no working with humans, its normally all working with pets. Which is great for me. The thing that is frustrating for me is, I have all this talent. Okay maybe not talent, but like you know, potential. I am intelligent, I’ve got common sense, and I learn easily. If I had a bunch of money I’d go to school and get a good degree in something that interests me. But I don’t have a lot of money. Honestly I could be a doctor, or a nurse even. I could be an English teacher at a university. I could be the CEO of a damn company. But I was not dealt the same hand of cards as someone else in a different situation than me. I was not handed a silver spoon and loads of college money to better my future. Instead I am a potential ridden 27 year old who is terrified of having student loans looming over my head, so I sit. And I wait. For my chance. I don’t know what that is though. I just keep hoping it comes to me one day and I can make my move. Get my big break. I’ve worked my ass off since I was 16. So, yeah.

I really am grateful for all that I have. Money in the bank, an amazing boyfriend and partner in crime. A job I enjoy and that pays the bills (that’s basically all though), a car that runs, and food to eat. I never want a six figure income and a giant house, that changes people. I don’t want to change. I just want to stop feeling like my potential is wasted day in and day out. I’ve always wanted to write a book, but every time I start, I always stop. I always lose it. Maybe one day.

Until then, I’ll just enjoy the little things. Like Stephen King books and Autumn leaves. And Coffee on a Monday.

Let us live

“We read five words on the first page of a really good novel and we begin to forget that we are reading words on a page; we begin to see images.”

– John Gardner

My boyfriend and I have been racking our brains to find a way to live. I mean actually live. I don’t mean go to work 5 days a week, for 9 hours a day. I don’t want to sell my time for $10 – $12 an hour, making money for a company whose owner I will never know or meet or care about. This is what I have been doing since I turned 16, and as each day goes on I feel more and more sick of it.

Working in so many different genres of employment, I have seen many things. I have dealt with many people. And overall, working all of these jobs has filled me with a disdain for the human race. How rare it is for me to meet someone I have a connection with. I read an article recently about how it is more difficult for intelligent and intellectual people to make friends and find love. It’s not fair is it? It’s not fair that people with average IQ’s, who see the world so simply, have an easier time making friends and finding love. But they find love with people of their same level, and so how many intelligent intellects tried dating someone of average IQ that sees the world so simply, only for them to feel like in the end there was something wrong with them?

I dated so many people in the past. People that were terrible for me. Men that didn’t have an ounce respect for me. So in turn, I had to learn how to have respect for myself. And when that happened I became an unstoppable force. I learned that it is okay to let someone down….to tell them it isn’t working. I learned a didn’t need a reason…It just was what it was. And when I learned I could do that, and quite easily, my life became substantially better.

Sometimes I have to sit back and remind myself of all that I’ve done. When I am feeling unaccomplished and sad, like my life will never go where I want it, I remember all of these things; I’ve sat in the sand on the beaches of Pedasi, Panama and let my feet soak in the Pacific ocean. I’ve swam in the oceans off of the coast of South America. I’ve made it through times when I felt completely alone and hopeless, and was able to smile afterwards. I’ve been to California, New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, Texas, Florida, Virginia, West Virginia, North Carolina, Utah. I have traveled and seen what else is in this world. I’ve fought for my rights and opened my mind. I’ve trained in one of the best police academies in the United States, and although I didn’t pursue that career, the skills I gained are priceless. I’ve walked into pods full of inmates in a county jail, me against 120 and walked out to talk about it. I’ve fought men and women who are twice as big as me, and walked away. I’ve been so terrified I was going to die that my blood ran cold and I couldn’t breathe but I made it. I’ve been pepper sprayed, gassed and attacked but I am still here today to write about. I’ve let go of love when it was the last thing I wanted to do. And I found it again.

Now it’s my turn. I’d rather live in a tent with the sole duty to keep myself and my love happy and alive, than spend another day working in a stale building, dealing with entitled and ungrateful people. People who are so rude it’s unbelievable that they can treat another human the way I’ve been treated. I want to get away from the crime. I want get away from the pollution. I want to get away from it all. And we are working on it. Plans into motion. In less than a month we move to a new place we’ve never been an I am so excited. And most of all I am so happy and grateful to have found someone to spend the rest of my life with.

What is happy?

Recently I came across a post on social media by The Oatmeal where he discussed happiness. He said he wasn’t a happy person, but he also wasn’t unhappy. And he went on to explain what he thought happiness was.

Basically he said that happiness could easily be only a word, that made people realize they were unhappy. Or at least lead people to believe they were unhappy.

I remember when I was kid in school, I used to get so excited for the weekend. I used to have a feeling of pure joy knowing that I had 2 days off to do whatever I wanted. Now I find myself complacent, just looking forward to my next days off while feeling miserable standing at a cash register helping entitled people who overpay on everything I ring up and put into a bag. My life has become a monotonous charade of the same thing every day.  But am I happy? And if I am not, what would make me happy? Do I even know?

People seem to have a general idea that to be happy, they need certain elements. A family, friends, money and a home. But I know plenty of people with all of these things, and yet they don’t seem happy.

But what if we forget the word happy? Have you ever just been going along with your life, and then someone asks you if you’re happy? And you stop and you think:

” I don’t know, am I?”

Then suddenly, all of these things come flooding to your mind and you start to realize, you’re not happy. The next thing you need to ask yourself is, are you fulfilled? Do you live a life that you’re proud of? And if you don’t, why don’t you change it?

Honestly, I am not happy. I am not a bubbly person. I don’t look forward to things, I take them as they come. Perhaps this is from being alive for 27 years and losing that child naivety that I once had. The sad part is, I remember how I used to be.

I remember that I loved all the wrong guys with all of my heart. When I appreciated waking up next to someone I loved, thinking they loved me back. I remember being heartbroken. And somewhere along the way I lost that part of myself. And now I’ve finally found the man I will spend the rest of my life with, and I appreciate him only half as much as I once did the others. Why is this? And can I change it? This man I love and who loves me back is amazing. He has done amazing things with his life. He is only 28 and has been in another country with nothing but a few good men and a rifle to protect himself. He has risked his life for this country. He has most likely killed others wishing to do him harm, and he has seen things that I am sure would only tear a person apart.

He has been married and blindly in love when he was young. He has learned from his mistakes, and made plenty of them like anyone else. But he has never been to jail, he has held steady jobs and he has a heart bigger than anyone I’ve ever met. So if a man like him can go through all of that and still be the biggest sweet heart and caring person I’ve ever met, what is wrong with me? a few years ago before I went into the police academy, I was a naïve 20-something who thought the world revolved around her. I was quiet and friendly and although I had thoughts in my head, I didn’t voice them regularly for fear that they would make others angry or upset.

So after 6 months of learning how to be strong, and pushing myself to every limit I had, I changed. Of course I did. And no matter how much I tried, I could never get back to the old me. And I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. I remember the first time I had to yell in scenario training. I was too quiet and wasn’t getting my point across. The first time I was angry, upset and pissed all at the same time I had to yell, at the top of my lungs to get someone to do something, and it felt great. I learned to speak my mind and in the academy they teach you that its your way or the highway. They teach you a lot of things. And slowly I discovered who I was and stopped apologizing for it. But I knew I didn’t want to be a cop. I knew 2 months in that this dream I had for almost my entire life was fading. And here I am, wondering what to do now….

Now I am a bully. I am a jerk. And compromise isn’t something that comes easy to me. I am a control freak. I like things my way. And when someone doesn’t speak up for themselves and acts like a victim, I immediately lose a lot of respect for them. So here I am with a boyfriend, who has a heart of pure gold, who sings to our cat when he pets her sometimes and calls me and her his little family. And I bully him, quite often. He deserves to  be treated like a king and I am a jerk to him. I can’t blame it on my past relationships, I can’t blame it on the academy, but I can say that it contributed a lot to my changes.

I want to be a nicer person, I want to make changes to have a better relationship. And I am working on that. I guess I don’t really know what happiness is, because I don’t feel it all the time. I don’t walk around smiling all the time and I have a horrible case of resting bitch face. But ultimately I really am content. There are days when I feel terribly lost and where I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. And those days are scary, but I do know that things tend to work out. I am motivated, and I am a good person and I wish the best for most people. But if given the opportunity I would love to move with my love and go out somewhere in a cozy little house and just live the rest of my life away from people. I am not a people person, and honestly if I never saw another human again apart from those I love I would be completely okay with that.

I am not happy, but I’m not unhappy. I am okay with this.

 

White picket fence.

Throughout my entire life I always thought that finding my one true love would be so simple. When I was in 7th grade I thought I loved a guy who was in one of my classes. When I was in my Junior year of high school I really did love my first boyfriend. I loved him in the “new” love kind of way….in the way that you really don’t have a clue what you’re doing so you just follow your heart. After multiple heartbreaks I found myself reading a lot of motivational sayings and quotes. In the beginning they made me feel better, but after the 3rd heartbreak I just started to say…well, f*ck it. I gave up. I just decided that if I can get my heartbroken THIS many times, I am just going to give up.

I can have a big house, with a lot of things and a good job, all by myself. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I don’t NEED a man.

I would listen to all of the stories all over the internet about how all of these women thought they’d never find the love of their life and then one day they did. And that they just knew he was “the one”. Barf. I didn’t believe it. I felt bad for these women thinking that their guy wasn’t going to go out and cheat on them. I felt bad for these women that thought that they’d found the one, and that he was always going to be around. Needless to say, I was burned and bitter.

But a lot of things changed in the year after my last break-up. I learned a lot about myself and who I was. And slowly but surely I started to realize something; I truly don’t need a man. But it would sure be nice to find someone to spend my life with. What is having the goal of getting a big house and a lot of things and a great job, without someone to share it with? Perhaps if I patiently waited I’d find someone who wanted to be with me, just as much as I wanted to be with them.

I met him at work. Well, I used to work there. We both did. And as soon as I saw him I knew. It sounds SOOOO lame especially because I was so opposed to it. But I really, truly did. Something inside me just lit up. And he wasn’t a Fabio look a like, and he wasn’t 6 foot tall with dark hair and dark eyes. Nope. He had a shaved head, and crystal blue eyes and all I knew was that I wanted to see more of him. Every time I saw him at work something told me that I wanted to see more of him. I came close to asking him out a hundred times, but I didn’t. I felt I needed to wait. And eventually, because he had no idea I liked him, I just told him. And he took me on our first date. And he made me laugh more than I’d laughed in a long time. I felt safe with him, and comfortable. And I fell in love. And so did he. And now, I know without a shadow of a doubt I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He didn’t complete me, I did. Long before I met him. But what he did do was show me that just when you are about to give up on love, love comes in whether you like it or not.

Now I know that I don’t want a big house, or a lot of things. I learned to let go of the material things in my life and focus on what is important. And to me, that is enjoying every minute I have with this amazing man who lights up my whole world.

Broken dishes

Oh man, it’s been so long since I wrote anything. Well, anything that wasn’t for my English class. I was having the worst day yesterday. And it wasn’t even a bad day. The sun was shining, my boyfriend and I were doing fine. But my hormones decided to wage a war inside of my body and I went absolutely insane.

My poor boyfriend gets home from work, and I tell him I think it sucks that he doesn’t even kiss me anymore or hug me when he gets home. He feels extremely bad and apologizes and gives me all sorts of love and hugs. (Let me add here, I got mad at him a while back for totally jumping me and holding me against my will when he gets home because he is so excited to see me. The point: I just can’t make up my mind)

I feel depressed. Like abnormally so. I have no job. ( I had to quit mine because they were working me massive amounts of overtime and I was falling behind in school). I am home all day, and of course my boyfriend still works at the same place I used to. (We met there). Yesterday, I was pissed. And for no reason whatsoever. So I finally muster up the courage to make myself a sandwich. I go into the kitchen to get a plate and presumably drop it on the tile kitchen floor. I watch it in slow motion as I am expecting it to break. It doesn’t. Thanks Corelle, you really are telling the truth in your commercials. I pick up said plate, throw it in the sink with all my might…still doesn’t break, thought you might be wondering….and run into the bedroom where I get under the covers and continue to sob for the better half of a minute.

My boyfriend, who is undoubtedly scared out of his mind right now, creeps into the bedroom. He sits on the bed next to me and starts rubbing my head and asking me what’s wrong. I mumble some stuff and he sits there a little longer and then gets up and says

“I am going to go use the restroom.”

I wait. And wait. No boyfriend. So now that I am calm, I walk out into the living room and realize he is shaving his head and taking a shower. THE NERVE!! He is supposed to be consoling me and being a good boyfriend and making me feel better. So when he finally gets out of the bathroom I ask him if I made him mad. He says no all confused like. I said, well you sure hauled ass out of there fast and left me all alone in the middle of my break down…

He said he thought I’d rather be alone and have some time to calm down. At this point I’m like wow okay. So as I am sitting on the couch again this wave of anger starts coming over me once more. I can’t even explain where it’s coming from. Like a possession occurring. I get up from the couch and my boyfriend says “Babe, are you alright?” I yell “NO! I AM HAVING A TERRIBLE FUCKING DAY!!”

And run into the bedroom and slam the door. It takes about a minute and in comes boyfriend. He sits with me again and talks me through everything that is running through my head. He does a great job making me feel better and then as an end thought asks me not to slam doors because it scares him.

Today, I feel right as rain. I did a little meditating. Got out of the house and did some grocery shopping. And myself 2 glasses of moscato.

So the lessons I have learned from the last 24 hours are:

  1. Really appreciate amazing boyfriends who love you and truly care about you. And can handle you through your PMS…because holy shit, it can’t be easy.
  2. Never be afraid to apologize. I know it was just my hormones yesterday, but FUCK, he must have thought I was off my rocker. So an apology means a lot. Apologize for mother nature, its not like she can do it herself.
  3. Meditate. I used to do it all the time and I was such a happier person. I have decided to start it up again and I already feel better after just 1 session.