I wonder if I’m ugly.

I don’t know what I want. The story of my life. At this point do I want to date? And if I do, what for? What’s the end game? Is there one? So many questions. Be still my overactive mind. Maybe I want something casual. A friends with benefits. But I don’t know if I can do that anymore. The way it felt with Greg* was so different than with a casual fling. Having that emotional chemistry as well as the sexual chemistry is a different kind of sex. Connecting with someone on that level is something completely out of this world. And I miss that. I don’t miss him, but I do miss the way I felt with him. Wanted. Needed. Desired. I’d love to find that again, and I am sure I will someday…but I guess I must wait, be patient.

I wonder if I’m ever on his mind. I know he thinks I’m crazy, I can’t blame him, but I hope one day he thinks of me fondly and realizes who I was. What he knew of me.

I wonder sometimes if I am ugly. And I know I’m not, but sometimes I wonder. I see men that I find extremely attractive but talk myself out of talking to them or smiling at them because I think maybe I am not in their “league” as people say. I am short and small. But thick and curvy. I lift heavy weights and run intervals on the treadmill. And I’ve lost 35 pounds since the beginning of the year and my clothes don’t fit anymore so I had to buy new ones and now those aren’t fitting quite right either. I am still stuck in the mentally of the fat girl that let herself go, when I am now the fit girl that should be confident in her beauty and hard work. But it’s a work in progress. I wish men had a sign on their forehead whether they’ll break my heart. It’s a risk worth taking I supposed, but I don’t how if I can make it through another one.

Thanks for the inspiration.

I feel inspired when the fire in my heart is burning it’s brightest. When emotions and feelings of love or hate or sadness or despair are coursing through my veins. Sometimes I feel numb to the world, as if walking through it as a zombie instead of a woman. At times I feel completely uninspired, but lately, thanks to you, I’ve felt extremely inspired. The roller coaster of emotions I’ve felt over the last month have allowed me to perfect the art of spilling these emotions out onto the page in front of me.

One of the most difficult things in life is to express feelings as words.

My inspiration has lead me to the realization that I must move on. I refuse to sit on the back burner. If you had fallen for me the way I did for you then you’d have never let me go. And you should have let me go completely, not asked me to wait patiently on the back burner while we built a “friendship” and let time do the rest. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable. But taking things slow isn’t in my DNA. I am a reckless romantic with a slight tinge of masochism. Because life is just too short not to grasp every piece of happiness and potential life throws my way. So you’re being kept at a distance. And that little spot in my heart for you I so thoughtfully reserved will most likely shrink in time. You’ll become a part of my past I look back on with apathy, hopefully…eventually.

Thanks for making me feel something again. I was starting to worry I was broken in that regard.