The alcohol courses through my veins and suddenly things feel more… clear. But I want you to know that sometimes it’s the “almosts” that hurt the most. I wonder how you sleep in your bed all alone at night. I wonder how you feel. You found me and you captured me and I felt like for a short period of time we were one in the same. We connected on some sort of strange frequency only I could feel. I live once and I do so freely. And when I find something that I feel content with I want to run with it. I wanted to run with you. And to this day I’m not sure why. What did you want? Did you even know? Why am I so fucked up about all of this months later? Like I said, it is the almosts that cant hurt the most.
You were my almost lover with the sinful body. You were my almost love with the crystal blue eyes. But we are apart and we always were.
Will I ever find someone to complement me?
“I want to tell you about your heart— you’ve probably been neglecting your heart—and you don’t know.”
I think one of the most fascinating things about authors from the early 19th century and before is that the things they wrote about were so old, yet so new. Sylvia Plath wrote about depression and feelings of hopelessness. These were issues many people were facing and so reading her work brought people together, made them feel less alone. She was a pioneer of her amazing, although short lived, time on this earth. And leave it to F. Scott Fitzgerald to write a line that reverberates through time. He told us and we listened – we’ve been neglecting our hearts. And it can take a break-up, a death or even just a slightly traumatic life experience to realize the extent of neglect we’ve been putting unto ourselves.
The beautiful thing about realization is the ability to do something about it. I’ve put into action a new plan.
- I won’t beg anyone to stay in my life, even if I love them. If they wanted to stay, they would. Simple.
- I will give myself positive affirmations daily.
- When I look in the mirror, even if I want to say something terrible about myself, I will smile instead and find something positive to say.
- I won’t be so hard on myself. Seriously.
- I am going to be more mindful. Stressing about the future is pointless. I will set a goal and work every day for it, but I won’t overwhelm myself.
- I am going to stop fighting my brain and just accept thoughts as they come. Yes, he’s still on my mind a lot, but I’ve just been letting the thoughts of him come and go and accepting it. Peace
There’s more, but those are the main ones I am working on. Nothing like cramming your life with full-time school, full-time work, going to the gym and trying to keep your shit together. My mental break was what I needed and I am grateful for it. My feelings of hopelessness have dwindled away and I feel better than ever.
I’m back baby.
My mental health had apparently been declining over the past few months. Something I was vaguely aware of but didn’t want to acknowledge. I was trying to stay strong, finish with school, work full-time, feel less lonely, make new friends. I was trying. And then I met Greg* and my world lit up a little bit. I felt loved and wanted and desired. And that loneliness subsided a little bit. And I fell, hard. Because that’s what all the poems and books say to do. To love like you’ve never been hurt. So that’s what I did. I went into it with opens arms, my heart on my sleeve, free for the taking. And he did. He took it and he held onto it and then he stepped on it. And I went through a downward spiral. The saddest part is, looking at it now, his actions made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Like I wasn’t attractive enough, interesting enough, that I wasn’t desirable. And that’s truly the most heartbreaking thing about it all. I am all of those things and more, and how many women out there feel this way because of the actions of a man who cannot love? Or because of one that refuses to? There are so many people out there that have no idea the repercussions their actions can have on someones mental health and general state of being.
So I finally broke. And after an intense panic attack, a trip to the doctors office and some talking with a good friend, I am now taking anti-depressants which is something I was against for a long time. But the truth is, for a highly sensitive and empathetic person, the world can be treacherous. And after 30 years of being stepped on, treated poorly and taken advantage of, I needed help. I was depressed and anxious, and it finally caught up to me. And it took a heartbreak to make me realize how under water I truly was. I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t cope. And I don’t want to be on these pills forever, but for right now they’re helping and it’s such a nice reprieve from being anxious and depressed to feeling…smoothed out. Stable.
I finally broke and it was probably the best thing that could have happened. Time to rebuild.
I don’t know if I really want to document this…decision I just finished making. It’s 8pm. I’m sitting on the couch, dwelling, just like I normally do. It’s been weeks and I’m as tore up inside as I was the first day. I can’t move on, no matter how hard I’ve tried. Something in this crazy, ridiculous universe keeps bringing me back to him. So at 8:30 I got up off my couch, put some decent clothes on and marched down to my car. I got in, turned the ignition and started driving. The quarter mile to his house. “It’s fine.” I said. “I’ll just drive by. I’m not crazy.” And that’s what I did. I drove by. And then I did a u-turn and I parked. Outside of his house. And I walked up to his door and I knocked. And the lights were on and I knew he was home. And I knocked again. He asked who it was, and I said “Please, just give me 5 minutes. 5 minutes to talk.” And he opened up and let me in. And we talked. I professed my feelings for him. And it felt great. I got it out. He didn’t know what to say. So I kept talking. And he hugged me. And he held me, and I missed the smell of him and the feel of him. And I missed his big stupid house and his stupid face.
And he walked me out after I said my peace and we stood in his driveway and I said, “I only get one chance to live and if I never say this I will regret it so I am going to say it. My feelings for you are real and they aren’t going away. The way I feel about you isn’t abating at all and I feel a connection with you. I want you. In my life. And I want a future with you. And I never want to lose you again. Please just take that as you will and do with it what you want. But there it is, my heart and soul. I had to hate you for a little while, but I can’t anymore. I just can’t take it” And he took me by the hands and he hugged me and then he looked me in the eyes and he kissed me. Passionately, deeply.
And I’d have died for that one moment. I think heaven is feeling wanted.
I don’t have expectations. I might never hear from him again. One day at a time.
I feel better. No regrets. I can’t keep things bottled up. They’re out there now.
I vow to never hate again. It’s a poison that simmers in your bones and pours out of your very being. From this day forward I will never harness hate again.
I wanted to tell you the truth. It’s just how I am. I told the truth from the beginning and I will until the end. And it isn’t the end yet. For you, perhaps it might be. But for me, it’s not the end until I don’t think about you everyday. Until you’re not the last thought on my mind before I fall asleep, or the first when I wake up. Until I don’t crave your body with every ounce of my being late at night, while I cry myself to sleep.
I wanted to tell you that I still hope I see you. One day. And my breath will catch in my throat and my heart will skip a beat. I can imagine this moment and I wonder, will I still find you beautiful? Perhaps more beautiful than before? Or will all the pain you’ve caused me change my view of you? It’s been weeks since we’ve seen each other. It seems so much easier for you. Meanwhile I have to talk myself out of walking to your house. Or driving by it. I just wanted to tell you the truth.
I wonder, do you think of me? In the shower? Or the way it felt to lay next to me in your bed. Do you get lonely and wish I was there? My laugh filling your house with sound. Do you wish I would ring your doorbell and my face would be there when you opened your door? Do you wish things had gone differently? And lastly, do you feel bad that you broke me?
I wish it was different, truthfully I do.
I knew I could never have you. You were like a fresh, sweet carrot dangled in front of my eyes. They grew wide with want and need. And I did get you. A small part of you. But I knew I could never truly have you. That’s why I stood in the doorway of your bedroom watching you sleep. Why I knew it was goodbye before we even said hello. Still, something inside of me continued to echo, “what if?”. What if I’ve found something I never thought I could have? A beautiful man with perfect teeth and the body of an Adonis. But just like most what if’s I ended up heart broken.
I knew I could never have you from the moment you looked at me with your fake smile that didn’t seem to reach your eyes completely. The moment you kissed me and it didn’t feel like forever, it felt like a right now.
Damn my heart, for all it’s what if’s.
I got a taste of something I hadn’t realized I was missing. My touch-craved skin took a hit of a drug that was almost impossible to give up. It craved more, lusting for the soft fingertips of a beautiful man to make their was from point A to point B. And too soon this drug was ripped from my life and I was left to withdraw… alone. And since I lost this thing I never knew I was missing, each breath has felt like it lost half it’s meaning, its purpose. My skin craves touch again, not just from anyone. From him. Because his touch was one that ignited little sparks of electricity down my spine and calmed the nerves inside my mind.
I will just have to crave his touch until I don’t anymore.
Why do I give him so much power? Even now, so many weeks past everything he is on my mind more than he should be. I think about the nice things he said to me. One in particular:
“I saw a girl at the gym today. She looked like you from the back so I got excited. Then she turned around and…well let’s just say she wishes she had your face.”
And I remember the time I saw him walk out of the men’s restroom and I was so happy to see him and I waved and he came over to me and we talked and he held his hand out and I took it and it was something special. That connection we had. Then he called me his friend to another person at the gym. And that hit hard. I still do wonder if it’s customary in his life to kiss all of his friends. To touch them the way he touched me.
I’m getting off track. I realized today I was giving him so much power. So much power over my thoughts and emotions. I keep replaying memories. Wondering if it was something I did wrong. But it wasn’t. And I KNOW this. I just have to believe it. I will meditate tonight. I was visualize me taking the power back.
He really isn’t shit…you know? Just an insecure man that met me at a vulnerable time in my life where I was lacking love and affection and wanted it so badly I could scream. So upon finding it I held on, too tight, and I was brought to my knees by disappointment. I said my peace, and now I must take my power and move. the. fuck. on.
I’ve been feeling so strong lately. I no longer feel disappointment when I think of him. I just don’t really feel anything. Apathy. I was hoping this would happen. What helps is that I haven’t seen him in a few weeks. He seems to be staying away from the gym we both frequent, which has been truly great. When I was younger I’d be dumb enough to, deep down, want to see him. But where I’m at in my life right now I could never see him again for the rest of my life and I’d be completely fine with that.
But that’s not how life works. I’m sure he’s lying low right now, letting things calm down. Maybe he thinks I’ll make a scene if I ever see him at the gym. Just goes to show how little he knows about me. That gym is my safe place. It’s my therapy room. It’s where I go to feel powerful and strong and healthy. I love the patrons, the sweat and the hard work. I’d never cause a scene. I am already upset with myself that I let Greg* into my life and it tainted the gym in a way. I know I will see him. And when I do, my heart will skip a beat. My stomach will drop. But as quickly as that happens, I’ll get it together and just keep on keeping on. Deep down though, all the feelings, the memories, the love I felt…will come back. Rushing over the walls of the dam I built to keep it all down.
And the 10 steps forward I’ve taken will be downgraded to 5. But it’s okay. This is a part of life. And we live so close to one another it’s inevitable.
He is the epitome of what could have been. What I wanted it to be. A true love. Someone I could finally and truly love and care for. I wanted endless nights of cuddles and kisses and sex. I wanted to wake up to him in the morning. I wanted to feel his smooth skin beneath my hands whenever I want. I wanted to smell him each day and have it feel like home. I wanted…so badly to be loved. and to love.
And I’m a broken soul right now. But it’s healing.
My soul is broken
I’m not sure what to do about it
Should I carry it in both hands and show it to the world?
Or should I leave it somewhere, quiet and dark
Let it heal in peace and solitude
That’s the biggest question of them all
How do you heal a broken soul?
Cigarettes and alcohol?
Muscle relaxers and sad songs?
I suppose it’s best to try them all so we can decide which one works best.
Perhaps I will try smiling at myself in the mirror.
Telling myself I’m beautiful.
My soul is broken.
But it’s healing.