Brain Vs. Heart

Timing is rarely ever ideal. “Run”, says my brain, “Stay”, says my heart. It seems like the hands of the clock move faster and faster the faster and faster I go. Quickly, little one, Fraulein, before it catches up to you. Before it hurts too bad.

As if the tears weren’t bad enough, I hear the tone of a message come through on my phone and with a shaky finger I open it. Not my proudest way to die.

I’ve always listened to my heart, but I think my heart is telling me to finally listen to my brain. Run, Fraulein.

Goodbye.

Come back to me.

Come back to me. I always thought you would. I didn’t think I’d have to ask. I’m not talking to anyone…asking this to anyone. I am asking it of love. Love itself; come back to me. Fickle and heartless you can be, yet come back to me. I can still feel the remnants of you on my fingertips. The way you felt as you slipped through my fingers. Many nights I’ve spent sleeping alone, wishing for the warmth and comfort of you again.

Come back to me love; ich vermisse dich.

Rock bottom?

My mental health has not been great lately. For the first time in my life I am having days where I’m not okay. It took me a while to realize it. My life is in a strange place right now. I haven’t had a job for a few months, my bank account is dwindling and although I am putting in tons of applications I can’t seem to get a call. And the truth is, I don’t want to work. Not in the traditional way. I have had so many jobs in the past that made me miserable. Devoting 40 hours a week to a place that would replace me in a second, being underpaid for the work I do, mistreated and disrespected by customers and managers. But the truth is, I have a life to live. And if I want to live it on my own terms I need to finish school. So I have to try to put the anxiety about my classes in the backseat and just do my best. I am only taking one class this session and it’s my last German class which is great because it’s one of the most challenging ones.

I haven’t felt in control lately. In the last 2 weeks I’ve had at least 3 mental breakdowns/freakouts. If it weren’t for my best friend I don’t know what I’d do. It scares me because I don’t know if my mental health is deteriorating or if I am going through a rough patch. I decided to accept a job at a data entry place. It seems mind numbing and terrible but it’s through a temp agency and so I only have to work there for as long as I want until I find something better. It pays decent and it’s steady work so maybe I’ll feel better having some income coming into my bank account.

I just have felt very depressed lately. All the newness and excitement for life just seemed to vanish. I took a short trip to see my mom and I had to get on 4 different airplanes which isn’t fun for someone afraid of flying. Surprisingly it eased my fear of flight but the trip in it’s entirety filled me with anxiety and sadness…it’s a long story but seeing my mom made me feel sad as she doesn’t care of herself and is getting sick.

Everything just seems to be hitting me at once. I am 29, 30 next month. I feel like as a woman when you hit 30 it’s like your expiration date is coming up. If you’re not married/in a relationship by then good luck finding something. I am also overweight and even though I try to accept myself for who I am I find it difficult sometimes. Food brings me joy in life. For the last 2 weeks I have been on the Keto diet and I have lost 10 pounds but it’s been anything but easy. I cheated a bit tonight and had Chick-Fil-A and it was delicious, but food is like a drug to me and I feel like I relapsed. It will be interesting to see if I can get back on the Keto wagon tomorrow.

I guess the older you get the more real life becomes. I just want to graduate and then do something with my life on my own terms. I want a job I don’t hate. I want to write. I want to travel. I want to do so many things and my anxiety is always in the back of my mind reminding me that I could end up like so many others…on their death bed wishing they could go back and do things differently. Sad because they didn’t get to do all they’d hoped.

I want more than that.

Lost in Life

I’ve been here a few times before. It normally occurs when I am going through a large life change. When I was 22 or 23 it didn’t seem to affect me as much because I was young and in a way it was expected. It was acceptable because I was still trying to find myself and figure out who I was. Now that I am pushing 30, have one more week of solid work in front of me at a job with a boss that oozes moodiness and a drama, I am going through yet another life change. I am in my 5th semester of school towards my bachelors in English. I decided to learn German as my second language apparently because I enjoy making myself miserable by learning extremely difficult things. Ich habe keine Zeit! I feel like my life is just passing me by. As I grew up society made me believe that life gets easier. That things just fall into your lap and that opportunity is around every corner. The truth is, life costs money. It costs time and energy. It costs a little bit of your soul each and every day.

Life is long but it’s all too short. Too short to work under a boss that treats her employees like shit. Too short to be around an egomaniac that puts herself above others even though she’s more messed up emotionally than all of them. I am sick of being the underdog. I am scared that if I let my true personality show it won’t take me far. I hold a lot in, I keep a lot of things from being said. I am quiet because I feel like I should be most of the time but I’ve been loud before and it felt amazing. I just don’t know where I am anymore and after so long of feeling like this I think I am slowly loosing WHO I am. I remember this line in a Creed song that went “Dear God I know I’m just a dot in this world have you forgot about me?”

I am not a religious person but lately I have been feeling like a tiny useless dot. I live in one of the best countries in the world. I am intelligent. I am motivated. I am empathetic and strong. I am sassy and stubborn. I have so much damn potential but no idea where to put it. I write on this damn blog and get MAYBE 1 like. What if I don’t have what it takes to get where I want to be in life? Do I change my standards? Life’s tough when you chose not to settle in some shitty relationship with a man who makes good money but also sleeps with every woman he meets. Life’s tough when your biological clock doesn’t work how it’s apparently supposed to. At my age I should be yearning for children right now and to settle down with a mate. But these are 2 things I just don’t view as life goals. I just want to be happy, which is difficult to achieve when you don’t even really know what brings you happiness.