I wish you didn’t exist. Not in my world, anyways. Like some sort of disease you’ve seeped into my bones and refuse to leave. And not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. It’s more than that…I feel you. And before today I hadn’t even seen you in over a month. I wish I’d never met you. You’re the farthest thing from what I need, but I want you, and you don’t want me back.
And that eats at me. And I am not used to this. And I don’t know how to feel.
And you’re bringing me my book back tomorrow. Maybe. And truthfully, I don’t want you in my apartment. My new apartment with all my things. I fear you might seep into everything and I’ll never be free of your existence.
But I’ll invite you in anyways.
I feel inspired when the fire in my heart is burning it’s brightest. When emotions and feelings of love or hate or sadness or despair are coursing through my veins. Sometimes I feel numb to the world, as if walking through it as a zombie instead of a woman. At times I feel completely uninspired, but lately, thanks to you, I’ve felt extremely inspired. The roller coaster of emotions I’ve felt over the last month have allowed me to perfect the art of spilling these emotions out onto the page in front of me.
One of the most difficult things in life is to express feelings as words.
My inspiration has lead me to the realization that I must move on. I refuse to sit on the back burner. If you had fallen for me the way I did for you then you’d have never let me go. And you should have let me go completely, not asked me to wait patiently on the back burner while we built a “friendship” and let time do the rest. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable. But taking things slow isn’t in my DNA. I am a reckless romantic with a slight tinge of masochism. Because life is just too short not to grasp every piece of happiness and potential life throws my way. So you’re being kept at a distance. And that little spot in my heart for you I so thoughtfully reserved will most likely shrink in time. You’ll become a part of my past I look back on with apathy, hopefully…eventually.
Thanks for making me feel something again. I was starting to worry I was broken in that regard.