My mental health had apparently been declining over the past few months. Something I was vaguely aware of but didn’t want to acknowledge. I was trying to stay strong, finish with school, work full-time, feel less lonely, make new friends. I was trying. And then I met Greg* and my world lit up a little bit. I felt loved and wanted and desired. And that loneliness subsided a little bit. And I fell, hard. Because that’s what all the poems and books say to do. To love like you’ve never been hurt. So that’s what I did. I went into it with opens arms, my heart on my sleeve, free for the taking. And he did. He took it and he held onto it and then he stepped on it. And I went through a downward spiral. The saddest part is, looking at it now, his actions made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Like I wasn’t attractive enough, interesting enough, that I wasn’t desirable. And that’s truly the most heartbreaking thing about it all. I am all of those things and more, and how many women out there feel this way because of the actions of a man who cannot love? Or because of one that refuses to? There are so many people out there that have no idea the repercussions their actions can have on someones mental health and general state of being.
So I finally broke. And after an intense panic attack, a trip to the doctors office and some talking with a good friend, I am now taking anti-depressants which is something I was against for a long time. But the truth is, for a highly sensitive and empathetic person, the world can be treacherous. And after 30 years of being stepped on, treated poorly and taken advantage of, I needed help. I was depressed and anxious, and it finally caught up to me. And it took a heartbreak to make me realize how under water I truly was. I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t cope. And I don’t want to be on these pills forever, but for right now they’re helping and it’s such a nice reprieve from being anxious and depressed to feeling…smoothed out. Stable.
I finally broke and it was probably the best thing that could have happened. Time to rebuild.