The night I drove to his house.

I don’t know if I really want to document this…decision I just finished making. It’s 8pm. I’m sitting on the couch, dwelling, just like I normally do. It’s been weeks and I’m as tore up inside as I was the first day. I can’t move on, no matter how hard I’ve tried. Something in this crazy, ridiculous universe keeps bringing me back to him. So at 8:30 I got up off my couch, put some decent clothes on and marched down to my car. I got in, turned the ignition and started driving. The quarter mile to his house. “It’s fine.” I said. “I’ll just drive by. I’m not crazy.” And that’s what I did. I drove by. And then I did a u-turn and I parked. Outside of his house. And I walked up to his door and I knocked. And the lights were on and I knew he was home. And I knocked again. He asked who it was, and I said “Please, just give me 5 minutes. 5 minutes to talk.” And he opened up and let me in. And we talked. I professed my feelings for him. And it felt great. I got it out. He didn’t know what to say. So I kept talking. And he hugged me. And he held me, and I missed the smell of him and the feel of him. And I missed his big stupid house and his stupid face.

And he walked me out after I said my peace and we stood in his driveway and I said, “I only get one chance to live and if I never say this I will regret it so I am going to say it. My feelings for you are real and they aren’t going away. The way I feel about you isn’t abating at all and I feel a connection with you. I want you. In my life. And I want a future with you. And I never want to lose you again. Please just take that as you will and do with it what you want. But there it is, my heart and soul. I had to hate you for a little while, but I can’t anymore. I just can’t take it” And he took me by the hands and he hugged me and then he looked me in the eyes and he kissed me. Passionately, deeply.

And I’d have died for that one moment. I think heaven is feeling wanted.

I don’t have expectations. I might never hear from him again. One day at a time.

I feel better. No regrets. I can’t keep things bottled up. They’re out there now.

I vow to never hate again. It’s a poison that simmers in your bones and pours out of your very being. From this day forward I will never harness hate again.

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