It’s been raining all day in Oklahoma. It hasn’t let up. Not even once. It feels like a cleansing, of sorts. The past few months have been extremely difficult for me, and my futile attempts of maintaining my sanity failed miserably. I suppose the fact that I made it to the age of 30 without having a mental breakdown was a feat in itself. I should be proud. Instead, I remain doubtful. I feel great. Thanks to the anti-depressants? My mind feels clear. I didn’t know that my “normal” was not normal. I didn’t realize that not everyone’s mind raced constantly. I didn’t realize that my level of overthinking every situation was something otherwise known as anxiety. I wonder, would the way my mind worked before be enough to drive someone else mad? It drove me mad. I broke. I am fixing myself though. Meditation. Working out (which I’ve been consistent with all year). I am bettering myself. And my self love has grown immensely. Like Selena Gomez said, “I needed to lose you to find me.”
Rain, rain…please don’t go away.
It’s crazy to think about it. The fact that she’s probably over at his house right now. I bet if I drove by, her car would be parked outside. Or maybe she drives a truck. Parked in the same spot in the driveway that mine sat in so many times. While I was inside with him. Sitting on the couch, laid out across him watching movies on his TV. And I bet he’s feeding her the same lines. Calling her babe and kissing her at randoms times. Rubbing her back with his strong hands, putting his arm around her. And I wonder, is she falling for it like I did? Is she falling for him the same way?
I fell in love with the idea of you because you made me believe you were a good idea.
My mental health had apparently been declining over the past few months. Something I was vaguely aware of but didn’t want to acknowledge. I was trying to stay strong, finish with school, work full-time, feel less lonely, make new friends. I was trying. And then I met Greg* and my world lit up a little bit. I felt loved and wanted and desired. And that loneliness subsided a little bit. And I fell, hard. Because that’s what all the poems and books say to do. To love like you’ve never been hurt. So that’s what I did. I went into it with opens arms, my heart on my sleeve, free for the taking. And he did. He took it and he held onto it and then he stepped on it. And I went through a downward spiral. The saddest part is, looking at it now, his actions made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Like I wasn’t attractive enough, interesting enough, that I wasn’t desirable. And that’s truly the most heartbreaking thing about it all. I am all of those things and more, and how many women out there feel this way because of the actions of a man who cannot love? Or because of one that refuses to? There are so many people out there that have no idea the repercussions their actions can have on someones mental health and general state of being.
So I finally broke. And after an intense panic attack, a trip to the doctors office and some talking with a good friend, I am now taking anti-depressants which is something I was against for a long time. But the truth is, for a highly sensitive and empathetic person, the world can be treacherous. And after 30 years of being stepped on, treated poorly and taken advantage of, I needed help. I was depressed and anxious, and it finally caught up to me. And it took a heartbreak to make me realize how under water I truly was. I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t cope. And I don’t want to be on these pills forever, but for right now they’re helping and it’s such a nice reprieve from being anxious and depressed to feeling…smoothed out. Stable.
I finally broke and it was probably the best thing that could have happened. Time to rebuild.
I don’t know if I really want to document this…decision I just finished making. It’s 8pm. I’m sitting on the couch, dwelling, just like I normally do. It’s been weeks and I’m as tore up inside as I was the first day. I can’t move on, no matter how hard I’ve tried. Something in this crazy, ridiculous universe keeps bringing me back to him. So at 8:30 I got up off my couch, put some decent clothes on and marched down to my car. I got in, turned the ignition and started driving. The quarter mile to his house. “It’s fine.” I said. “I’ll just drive by. I’m not crazy.” And that’s what I did. I drove by. And then I did a u-turn and I parked. Outside of his house. And I walked up to his door and I knocked. And the lights were on and I knew he was home. And I knocked again. He asked who it was, and I said “Please, just give me 5 minutes. 5 minutes to talk.” And he opened up and let me in. And we talked. I professed my feelings for him. And it felt great. I got it out. He didn’t know what to say. So I kept talking. And he hugged me. And he held me, and I missed the smell of him and the feel of him. And I missed his big stupid house and his stupid face.
And he walked me out after I said my peace and we stood in his driveway and I said, “I only get one chance to live and if I never say this I will regret it so I am going to say it. My feelings for you are real and they aren’t going away. The way I feel about you isn’t abating at all and I feel a connection with you. I want you. In my life. And I want a future with you. And I never want to lose you again. Please just take that as you will and do with it what you want. But there it is, my heart and soul. I had to hate you for a little while, but I can’t anymore. I just can’t take it” And he took me by the hands and he hugged me and then he looked me in the eyes and he kissed me. Passionately, deeply.
And I’d have died for that one moment. I think heaven is feeling wanted.
I don’t have expectations. I might never hear from him again. One day at a time.
I feel better. No regrets. I can’t keep things bottled up. They’re out there now.
I vow to never hate again. It’s a poison that simmers in your bones and pours out of your very being. From this day forward I will never harness hate again.
I wanted to tell you the truth. It’s just how I am. I told the truth from the beginning and I will until the end. And it isn’t the end yet. For you, perhaps it might be. But for me, it’s not the end until I don’t think about you everyday. Until you’re not the last thought on my mind before I fall asleep, or the first when I wake up. Until I don’t crave your body with every ounce of my being late at night, while I cry myself to sleep.
I wanted to tell you that I still hope I see you. One day. And my breath will catch in my throat and my heart will skip a beat. I can imagine this moment and I wonder, will I still find you beautiful? Perhaps more beautiful than before? Or will all the pain you’ve caused me change my view of you? It’s been weeks since we’ve seen each other. It seems so much easier for you. Meanwhile I have to talk myself out of walking to your house. Or driving by it. I just wanted to tell you the truth.
I wonder, do you think of me? In the shower? Or the way it felt to lay next to me in your bed. Do you get lonely and wish I was there? My laugh filling your house with sound. Do you wish I would ring your doorbell and my face would be there when you opened your door? Do you wish things had gone differently? And lastly, do you feel bad that you broke me?
I wish it was different, truthfully I do.
Sometimes I cry because of the possibilities. The wasted ones. The ones that could have been. Soft, quiet tears that gently roll down my cheek to a new destination where they’ll soak in, disappear, never happened. Yes, occasionally I cry for what could have been. For the what if’s. For the cancelled plans and the let downs.
It’s a cleansing cry. The salty drops of warm water help to cleanse my soul and they water the seeds that will blossom into new flowers of hope.
I knew I could never have you. You were like a fresh, sweet carrot dangled in front of my eyes. They grew wide with want and need. And I did get you. A small part of you. But I knew I could never truly have you. That’s why I stood in the doorway of your bedroom watching you sleep. Why I knew it was goodbye before we even said hello. Still, something inside of me continued to echo, “what if?”. What if I’ve found something I never thought I could have? A beautiful man with perfect teeth and the body of an Adonis. But just like most what if’s I ended up heart broken.
I knew I could never have you from the moment you looked at me with your fake smile that didn’t seem to reach your eyes completely. The moment you kissed me and it didn’t feel like forever, it felt like a right now.
Damn my heart, for all it’s what if’s.
I got a taste of something I hadn’t realized I was missing. My touch-craved skin took a hit of a drug that was almost impossible to give up. It craved more, lusting for the soft fingertips of a beautiful man to make their was from point A to point B. And too soon this drug was ripped from my life and I was left to withdraw… alone. And since I lost this thing I never knew I was missing, each breath has felt like it lost half it’s meaning, its purpose. My skin craves touch again, not just from anyone. From him. Because his touch was one that ignited little sparks of electricity down my spine and calmed the nerves inside my mind.
I will just have to crave his touch until I don’t anymore.
Why do I give him so much power? Even now, so many weeks past everything he is on my mind more than he should be. I think about the nice things he said to me. One in particular:
“I saw a girl at the gym today. She looked like you from the back so I got excited. Then she turned around and…well let’s just say she wishes she had your face.”
And I remember the time I saw him walk out of the men’s restroom and I was so happy to see him and I waved and he came over to me and we talked and he held his hand out and I took it and it was something special. That connection we had. Then he called me his friend to another person at the gym. And that hit hard. I still do wonder if it’s customary in his life to kiss all of his friends. To touch them the way he touched me.
I’m getting off track. I realized today I was giving him so much power. So much power over my thoughts and emotions. I keep replaying memories. Wondering if it was something I did wrong. But it wasn’t. And I KNOW this. I just have to believe it. I will meditate tonight. I was visualize me taking the power back.
He really isn’t shit…you know? Just an insecure man that met me at a vulnerable time in my life where I was lacking love and affection and wanted it so badly I could scream. So upon finding it I held on, too tight, and I was brought to my knees by disappointment. I said my peace, and now I must take my power and move. the. fuck. on.
My entire life I’ve been “too much”. I’m too passionate, I care too much, I feel too much. I’m crazy, or insane.
I’ve fought the war against my empathy for so long, I’m exhausted. So I am learning to accept it. To embrace it and cherish it…for at least I can feel. There are many who cannot. And the feelings of love and care and joy that have come into my life are unforgettable and I am forever grateful for them. But when times are difficult, they truly are. My body can be racked with a sadness so thick and powerful it feels like the earth stands still. A crippling depression that leaves me wondering if I want to be a part of this world anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that someday, I will be able to be happy for a long time. When I quit fighting my emotions and the way I am.
I love deeply and passionately. I care deeply and with my entire being. I cry when I see others cry, I glow when I see beautiful things. I appreciate kindness and like minded souls more than anyone would ever know. As K. Flay would say, beauty has a way of crushing me.
Sometimes I do wish there was a way to turn it all off. The sadness, the happiness, the overthinking and anxiety. But just for a little while. What was once my curse needs to become my full-time blessing.
No one wants to be alone. Everyone deserves to feel the type of love they’d move mountains for. The type of connection that makes life worth living. The trust in another human that magically makes you feel like a different person yourself. I want that. And I can’t lose hope that someday, somewhere, I will meet a man who doesn’t tell me I’m “too much.” I am just enough and a little more.