I am a mess tonight. All the power I had is gone. I indulged in a bottle of wine and some beer with some new friends and my inhibitions were lowered. I sent texts I shouldn’t have. Made calls I shouldn’t have. And I sit and wonder what my next course of action is. For the first time in a long time I feel like an absolute mess. With alcohol coursing through my veins he’s the only one I want to see, or talk to. But he doesn’t answer, the texts or the calls. And I know I need to sleep and it’s the best course of action but I am instead writing on here. Pouring it all out. I can man up. I can be strong. I have been strong for a long time. And I know I sound crazy. I think that is what a strong, reckless heart makes me. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Because I love and feel too fiercely. I am too vulnerable. I think one of the biggest challenges in life is accepting this. I just want to be held. I want to feel cared about.
Bad thoughts are running through my mind but I still see the rainbow on the other side so I won’t go through with it. Why is life this difficult? Why is love so complicated? Jesus, I really need you to take the wheel on this one.
I need a fucking break. I need some fucking help. Why am I such a fucking mess? What would I say if he even called me back? I am going to take a pill that will mix with the alcohol just right so I might not remember how fucked this night got.
Why do I always fuck everything up? Will I ever stop?