Red wine and cigarettes.

It’s been a long time since I had the urge to buy a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes. Little reminders of my old life…nostalgic in nature. But tonight I welcome the darkness. It is better than the constant over thinking. The constant anxiety. When will it be my turn? If I could turn back time I’d go back a month. Go back to before I met him. Before something in my heart drew me to him. I’d go back and erase the memories. The passionate sex. The smell of him that still lingers in my senses even though I haven’t felt his body in days.

I did nothing wrong. I simply hoped and dreamed that perhaps this was my time. Perhaps this beautiful and amazing man would be the one I could spend many tomorrow’s with. I thought…I hoped…I wanted. And now here I am, drowning my overactive and pathetic mind in the throws of alcohol. Sitting at my laptop on a Friday night, alone, drinking wine from a dollar store glass.

My heart loves too easily. It has too much to give. And I finally thought I found someone worthy of this love. This compassion. This KINDNESS inside of me. But he knew from the beginning. I know he did. To fill my mind with lies and hopes. To keep me going. Each word said to me is like a piece of bait, reeling me in but stopping right before the catch.

I’m supposed to be the main character in my life. I need to make that happen.

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