Therapy.

I haven’t been feeling especially inspired lately. This won’t be a normal freestyle type writing. I want to get some thoughts out onto this platform, because it’s therapeutic. I met someone. Strange thing is that it happened so slowly, yet extremely fast. I met him at the gym. He asked to “work in” with me on the leg press. I was surprised, and it was obviously apparent that he didn’t want to work in, he was just trying to talk to me. It was over the course of a few weeks that I’d see this elusive man with great legs every so often. We’d chat but I’d always cut it short because, well simply put, I’m awkward and forgot how to flirt.

One day I saw him and went to say hello and we got to chatting. We stood by the free weights and talked for about 45 minutes, and the most insane part was that is felt like 5. I was hoping he’d ask for my number, which he eventually did. He said he’d call me later in the week, which he eventually did. We talked and laughed and for once in a very long time I felt that ease of conversation that comes from 2 people who’ve known each other a very long time. Needless to say I was very excited.

He asked me out on a date for that Friday night. He picked me up at 5:45 sharp. As I walked down the stairs from my 3rd floor apartment he was leaning up against the bottom apartment with his sunglasses on and a nice outfit. Seeing him outside of the gym was something I’d imagined, but he was so stunningly handsome and smelled so amazingly good it felt like I was in a storybook. He opened the truck door for me, and I could feel him watching me as I pulled my height challenged frame into the passengers seat.

He took me to a great restaurant and we had amazing conversation that never seemed to turn dull. We then went for a walk in the park and he held my hand. Things lead to other things and I woke the next morning in his bed. No regret passed through my body as I had been craving male touch for so long, any sort of affection really, that I felt like I’d been born again. It was amazing. The night had seemed endless. But alas, I had to make my way back home. He drove me there, walked me up the 4 flights of stairs and kissed me at my door.

Since this night I’ve seen him one other time (two if you count the late night run-in at Walmart that was more awkward than romantic). He’s been in touch, but has a response time of about 3 hours with text messages. My gut instinct was to call it what it was, a fling, and move on. I know what I want when it comes to a man. I want a man to want me so bad he makes time for me. Not one that pushes back dates and says he’s busier than expected. Not one that says he’s going to a late night gym session and then shows up at Walmart. I want a guy that looks at his phone hoping to see my name on his screen. A man that doesn’t want to go a night without talking to me. A few days without seeing me. I want a man as invested in building something amazing from the beginning as myself.

And so far that doesn’t seem to be the case. I’ve given him an easy way out. I told him let’s hold off on anything more until he isn’t so busy, until he can make more time for me. But he insists on texting and says he wants to stay in constant communication until our next encounter. I don’t know what to think so I’m letting my gut take the lead on this one.

Although he’s amazing, intellectual, and when he takes his shirt off my brain cells shut down, he just isn’t what I’m looking for. I want to feel wanted. Needed. Sought after. I don’t want to feel like an after thought. Actions speak louder than words and so far his actions are speaking volumes. We slept together the first night, and it was brilliant and laughing with him has awakened something in me that had been dormant for so long. I am changing. I am coming out of my cocoon from being the chubby girl with no self esteem, to the fit woman who knows she’s fucking amazing and deserves nothing less than a man that does everything he can to get me to stick around.

I deserve that and I will accept nothing less.

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