I miss me.

I feel…very down lately. Mentally I’m just not where I want to be. I can’t explain why. I lost 20 pounds and I still feel like a fat fuck. For the first 2 months I felt like I kicked my food addiction and that it was smooth sailing from here. It’s a constant battle. And now that I am not feeling great mentally, it’s a mental battle with myself to not eat something I know I shouldn’t. I went on a date the other night. It was terrible. The guy had nasty ass breath and looked nothing like his pictures. I don’t get looked at. There’s tons of guys in the gym and I feel like a little mouse, unimpressive and uninteresting to look at.
I could have settled a long time ago. I could have decided that being with someone that was toxic for me, or wasn’t right for me, was better than being alone. Being alone is great, for a while. But I miss human interaction. The kind that makes me feel warm inside. I miss looking at a man and admiring his beauty. I miss the smell of pheromones and the little stubble that’s always growing on a handsome face. I miss making a man laugh and appreciating his white teeth and happiness. I miss many things but most of all I miss that little part of me I haven’t seen in a very long time. The enthusiastic part. The glass half full part. The happy part.