I feel…very down lately. Mentally I’m just not where I want to be. I can’t explain why. I lost 20 pounds and I still feel like a fat fuck. For the first 2 months I felt like I kicked my food addiction and that it was smooth sailing from here. It’s a constant battle. And now that I am not feeling great mentally, it’s a mental battle with myself to not eat something I know I shouldn’t. I went on a date the other night. It was terrible. The guy had nasty ass breath and looked nothing like his pictures. I don’t get looked at. There’s tons of guys in the gym and I feel like a little mouse, unimpressive and uninteresting to look at.
I could have settled a long time ago. I could have decided that being with someone that was toxic for me, or wasn’t right for me, was better than being alone. Being alone is great, for a while. But I miss human interaction. The kind that makes me feel warm inside. I miss looking at a man and admiring his beauty. I miss the smell of pheromones and the little stubble that’s always growing on a handsome face. I miss making a man laugh and appreciating his white teeth and happiness. I miss many things but most of all I miss that little part of me I haven’t seen in a very long time. The enthusiastic part. The glass half full part. The happy part.
We ALL feel like that sometimes. Hang in there, you will find yourself, even if it takes longer than you’d like.
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Thank you for the kind comment. It feels like an uphill battle but things always seem to work out 🙂
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