Too early to give up?

My aunt has been with a man for a long time. He isn’t her husband, per say, but he is her companion. She had many failed relationships, most of them abusive ones. When she met Greg* she knew he was safe. I always thought it was strange how they never showed affection towards one another. They didn’t even share the same bedroom. Sometimes when I’d go to my aunts so she could babysit me, she’d let me lay in her big comfy bed with soda and popcorn and watch movies on her TV. I saw Pet Semetary one of those nights and I’ve never been the same since. They’re just there for each other so they don’t have to be alone.

Funny to say I am in the same situation. I am 30 years old, a string of long useless relationships behind me. I gave up, somewhere along the way. I met a guy I thought I could love, but I aimed too high. Truth is, I don’t know if I can love anymore. I watch these cheesy movies and shows and it makes me wish I could…but I don’t know. So the latest guy and I decided to call it quits about a year ago. We were “together” for about 2 years. We realized the romantic part of our relationship wasn’t working so we nixed it. For a while it was working out perfectly. We were roommates, different rooms, split the bills. But somewhere along the line it got complicated for him. Not for me. It’s simple for me. I don’t see him as anything more than my best friend and roommate. Unfortunately the line seems a bit blurred for him. My entire life I’ve always been worried about how others feel and not enough about how I feel. I am so scared to hurt him when he has done so much for me. I’ve done a lot for him too. When I met him he was living in a tiny house the size of a shoe box with no heat and air. He had rotten chicken in his freezer and basically ate Mcdonalds every night. He was working 60+ hours a week and slept in a recliner. Now he is in a beautiful apartment that I turned into a home. We’ve built a little life together but we aren’t together. He occasionally tries to touch me or hug me or cross that line that I built, and it’s getting frustrating. I wish I could feel that way for him, but I don’t. We could be having a great moment making each other laugh and enjoying each others company and he always ruins it with a weird gesture or joke.

I guess I know what I have to do. Be the person I always hated. Be the one that leaves. I have no job right now, no income coming in other than school loan money but that goes fast with a $1,000 rent each month. Eventually he will have to move out and I’ll have to find another roommate. It’s terrifying because this is all I’ve known for 3 years. He’s my best friend. He’s been there supporting me and I him. I feel trapped and confused and angry. Angry because something always has to complicate everything. Angry because life can’t just be fucking simple. I just want to be able to breathe.

I just want to be able to fucking breathe.

I am 29 years old and wasting my life away.

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