I’m a book.

When did I stop feeling anything? Like a sliver of the past is still stuck in me somewhere, I can remember a time when I used to feel everything.  

Now it’s like I glide through each day just waiting for the next. What is a mind to do when life seems so complicated but in reality, is so simple?  

Life is simple in the sense that you either are alive or you’re dead. But being alive is where it gets complicated. Society has standards…norms. Work, make money, have nice things. If you don’t have nice things you’re looked down upon. If you don’t work, you’re useless.  

So, am I useless?  

I don’t feel useless. I feel like a book that hasn’t been opened by the right opportunity yet. I am done with the 9-5 jobs. I am done working for entitled people who treat others like shit. I don’t want to see the bad side of people anymore, which seems, to me, the side most people present now a days.  

I’m looking at the facts here: 

  • I am an overweight 29-year-old woman, living in an apartment with her ex-boyfriend/now companion. He helps me and we support each other. 
  • I am unbearable when it comes to relationships. I am passionate and assertive, and I have an opinion about everything. No man I’ve met yet has taken these things the right way. 
  • I’ve lost faith in romantic love. I don’t believe it exists. I have felt it before, but I don’t think any man is capable of giving it back.  
  • I can’t stop eating. I have a certain weight I get to, and once there I stop eating so much, but I maintain. And it’s not where I’d like to be as far as weight goes but how to stop eating delicious foods when food is the one good thing in life? 
  • Am I depressed? Do I have functioning depression?  
  • I think one of the biggest questions in life from anyone alive is, “Is this normal?” 
  • Is it normal not to feel anything? Not to feel happiness, or joy. Not to look forward to anything? 
  • I should take that back. I feel. I feel sadness quite often. I feel a bit hopeless most times.  
  • I used to be excited for the unknown: the future. Now I’m just complacent about it.  
  • 9 billion people in this world and I live in the land of opportunity.  
  • I wish I knew where to go for the opportunities.  

I’m lost.  

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