He’s so perfect to look at I have to close my eyes
The curves of his arms and the length of his legs feel like an assault of pleasure on the sensitive layers of my retina
I could die trying to understand the sadness in his eyes
I could be kept alive if I could just watch the way his mouth moves when he says Goodbye
I yearn to run my fingers through his silky hair
To feel his smooth and salty skin beneath my tongue
I’ll never get close enough to run my hands across his body, to bask in his warmth
From far away I’ll watch, eyes closed
Feeling every single thing I can
Breathing it in, its all I can get
I’ve been here a few times before. It normally occurs when I am going through a large life change. When I was 22 or 23 it didn’t seem to affect me as much because I was young and in a way it was expected. It was acceptable because I was still trying to find myself and figure out who I was. Now that I am pushing 30, have one more week of solid work in front of me at a job with a boss that oozes moodiness and a drama, I am going through yet another life change. I am in my 5th semester of school towards my bachelors in English. I decided to learn German as my second language apparently because I enjoy making myself miserable by learning extremely difficult things. Ich habe keine Zeit! I feel like my life is just passing me by. As I grew up society made me believe that life gets easier. That things just fall into your lap and that opportunity is around every corner. The truth is, life costs money. It costs time and energy. It costs a little bit of your soul each and every day.
Life is long but it’s all too short. Too short to work under a boss that treats her employees like shit. Too short to be around an egomaniac that puts herself above others even though she’s more messed up emotionally than all of them. I am sick of being the underdog. I am scared that if I let my true personality show it won’t take me far. I hold a lot in, I keep a lot of things from being said. I am quiet because I feel like I should be most of the time but I’ve been loud before and it felt amazing. I just don’t know where I am anymore and after so long of feeling like this I think I am slowly loosing WHO I am. I remember this line in a Creed song that went “Dear God I know I’m just a dot in this world have you forgot about me?”
I am not a religious person but lately I have been feeling like a tiny useless dot. I live in one of the best countries in the world. I am intelligent. I am motivated. I am empathetic and strong. I am sassy and stubborn. I have so much damn potential but no idea where to put it. I write on this damn blog and get MAYBE 1 like. What if I don’t have what it takes to get where I want to be in life? Do I change my standards? Life’s tough when you chose not to settle in some shitty relationship with a man who makes good money but also sleeps with every woman he meets. Life’s tough when your biological clock doesn’t work how it’s apparently supposed to. At my age I should be yearning for children right now and to settle down with a mate. But these are 2 things I just don’t view as life goals. I just want to be happy, which is difficult to achieve when you don’t even really know what brings you happiness.