Lights

When you’re born 3 lights turn on for you. Three bright and beautiful lights. When you turn 15 and meet your first love, and inevitably meet your first heartbreak, one of the lights dims. And with every other heartbreak the light keeps dimming until it is no longer lit at all. For each difficult and unfortunate thing that happens in your life, the lights begin to dim. Until eventually every light is out apart from one. It stands half lit, lonely and ominous. Seeing it makes you ask the question “is this it?”

When you’re born and growing up, life comes so easily. Things are so bright. You’re conditioned to believe that life will only get better and better. That good things happen to good people and with hard work and perseverance you will get far in life. So what a giant let down when you’re on the verge of 30, unable to afford a decent apartment by yourself. Racking up student debt because you decided to go back to school. And the school and the full time job and the other responsibilities in your life are sucking your soul dry. So by the end of the day the only thing you can do is get into bed and think “is this it?”

If my last light goes out I’m afraid I’ll lose all hope. Life isn’t easy. It’s anything but simple. Enjoy the little things. Don’t sweat the small stuff. There’s hundreds if not thousands of books that discuss the keys to happiness. Each time I find my key I lose it and then find it again. Up and down. Round and round. What if after $30,000 in school loans it doesn’t get better? What if living in Germany, Switzerland, Denmark, wherever…doesn’t make me feel any different? We all strive to be different. I could die tomorrow. I really could. So simply and easily I could die. Along with my soul would go my hopes and dreams and potential. Happens to thousands of people each day.

No wonder people lose hope when they look at the big picture and see what a minuscule difference 1 person can even make in this huge fucked up world.

The one thing I hate about myself is that sometimes I slack on things I shouldn’t. I get too comfortable with the way things are and stop putting in 100%. It’s a fault almost everyone has but it’s one I wish I could get rid of.

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