I am lost.

I am lost in this world. I look forward all week to my days off work, and then I find myself to be depressed when they finally arrive. All day today I was depressed. I made my way out of the house and to the store. I know my aura sucked. I wonder if I ooze sadness and despair. Is it obvious to see? I find that those around me get stuck on such trivial and silly subjects. Things that won’t matter a few days from now get them upset and they dwell. They treat others poorly.

I have to put in my 2 weeks at work tomorrow to get out of the toxic environment in that office.

The women I work with are so unhappy with their lives and the roles they play in them that they feel they need to make others feel bad about themselves. It’s terrible. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to get a thicker skin…meditate, write….I still let it get to me. Being an intelligent empath is destroying me.

It’s destroying me. It’s destroying me. It’s destroying me. And I don’t know what to do. Soon I will probably not have a job. Back to the Postmates and Uber hustle. If I can make $100 a day I can pay my bills. The stress makes my chest tight and I can’t sleep.

I always try to look at the bigger picture. The bigger picture in this case is that I need to have my bills paid because I need to be able to eat and have a place to live. I cannot stay at my job. I will end up getting into an argument with my boss that will ruin everything…so I need to get out while I can.

This world is destroying me one day at a time.

What am I doing here?

And by “here” I mean in this world. In this time. Perhaps I was born in the wrong era. Although I am sure there were assholes even back in the 50’s. I don’t have a thick skin. For a long time I tried to convince myself that I did but the simple truth is that I don’t. I feel too damn much. I am overly empathetic. I let the world eat away at me. I climb into my bed at the end of the day feeling exhausted by human interaction. I bond with people who ultimately let me down. I attract narcissists of all shapes and sizes. I get along best with type A personalities even though in the end they leave me reeling with the frustrating realization that I will never be able to understand them. Or understand why it is people do the things they do at all. I can say that people act the way they do because of past trauma. That they’ve not come to terms with their life, they’ve not overcome the hardships life has thrown at them. I can say it’s because they haven’t accepted themselves for who they are, aren’t comfortable with themselves. Perhaps they lack the ability to self reflect. But that just makes me sad. All of these excuses I make for people who treat others like garbage don’t make me feel better. They just make me feel hollow.

What am I doing in this world?

The keyboard, the paper and pen, those are the things that keep me tethered to myself. Getting my thoughts out onto paper, or typing them out on a screen makes me feel like feeling these things is okay. The mind is a tricky place. It’s full of jumbled emotions and confusion. Everything spins around and around making the perfect storm of self doubt and questioning. I belong in a cabin somewhere. Somewhere beautiful and serene. Somewhere decently far from people, but close enough that I can get my monthly need for human interaction fulfilled at my desire. All I want is this cabin. I just need internet, a Netflix subscription and a laptop. Perhaps a type writer if I really want to get into it. I’d write, and write some more. I’d connect with myself. I feel connected to myself every day at the moment. But the world and it’s assholes seem to always be in the way for that self connection to stick. I need quiet. I need peace.

Or maybe I just need some damn whiskey.

Adventure #1

Today I ventured 3 hours away from my home. Alone. They say when you’ve learned to do things alone you can do anything. I am starting to believe that. I showed up to a giant concert venue to see the band of my dreams. Godsmack has been a band I’ve been in love with for well over 15 years now. I have a giant tribal sun on my back because they mean so much to me. I was alone and it was okay! I sat next to some super amazing people. The concert was amazing. Apart from seeing Audioslave (so very grateful and happy I got to see them before Chris passed) it was the most amazing show I’ve ever been to. Life changing. Being at a concert and hearing the music live is truly an out of body experience. I am so glad I came and adventure #1 was a huge success. I will get out. I will do more. I will make the best of this life, wrapped with a ribbon, and I will die knowing I did all the things I wanted to do. It’s possible.

Lights

When you’re born 3 lights turn on for you. Three bright and beautiful lights. When you turn 15 and meet your first love, and inevitably meet your first heartbreak, one of the lights dims. And with every other heartbreak the light keeps dimming until it is no longer lit at all. For each difficult and unfortunate thing that happens in your life, the lights begin to dim. Until eventually every light is out apart from one. It stands half lit, lonely and ominous. Seeing it makes you ask the question “is this it?”

When you’re born and growing up, life comes so easily. Things are so bright. You’re conditioned to believe that life will only get better and better. That good things happen to good people and with hard work and perseverance you will get far in life. So what a giant let down when you’re on the verge of 30, unable to afford a decent apartment by yourself. Racking up student debt because you decided to go back to school. And the school and the full time job and the other responsibilities in your life are sucking your soul dry. So by the end of the day the only thing you can do is get into bed and think “is this it?”

If my last light goes out I’m afraid I’ll lose all hope. Life isn’t easy. It’s anything but simple. Enjoy the little things. Don’t sweat the small stuff. There’s hundreds if not thousands of books that discuss the keys to happiness. Each time I find my key I lose it and then find it again. Up and down. Round and round. What if after $30,000 in school loans it doesn’t get better? What if living in Germany, Switzerland, Denmark, wherever…doesn’t make me feel any different? We all strive to be different. I could die tomorrow. I really could. So simply and easily I could die. Along with my soul would go my hopes and dreams and potential. Happens to thousands of people each day.

No wonder people lose hope when they look at the big picture and see what a minuscule difference 1 person can even make in this huge fucked up world.

The one thing I hate about myself is that sometimes I slack on things I shouldn’t. I get too comfortable with the way things are and stop putting in 100%. It’s a fault almost everyone has but it’s one I wish I could get rid of.

Planetary commotions

Isn’t it more interesting and reassuring to believe that things are all interconnected on this planet? That situations that occur on this giant ball of rock and water and ice are somewhat related to each other? I can’t stand to believe that we are all just a cluster of atoms and gasses, mindlessly bumping into each other as our world slowly yet ferociously rotates around a red hot sun. Perhaps the universe speaks through us all. People do bad things to remind us that evil still exists. People do good things to remind us that this life shouldn’t be wasted. People die so we can remember what it is to live.

Keep living.

Keep breathing.

Keep being.

Remember to have perspective. In this giant picture, don’t let the tiny things keep you down. Do your best and be happy with it. Regret is the biggest regret of all in the end.