I was super depressed yesterday. I don’t know if it was because I was under-stimulated and bored or whether my brain decided to pull a fast one on me. On a typical day I feel pretty good. Yesterday was new for me as I haven’t really felt that nagging sense of depression in quite some time. I didn’t want to leave my apartment, but I didn’t want to stay. So I decided I’d go to Walmart for a few things. Upon pulling into the parking lot I noticed it was unusually busy for the middle of the day on a Monday. I immediately felt anxiety by the amount of people and promptly left. I went to Mcdonald’s, ordered way to many french fries and a Dr.Pepper and went home.
Lately my social anxiety has become somewhat of a nuisance. I can now count 2 times I have left Walmart because I was overwhelmed by the amount of people around. I will pull into the parking lot of a store and choose not to go in when I see how busy it is. I get anxious and it’s terrible and I feel like my heart is it’s own separate entity outside of my body doing it’s own little thing. I do believe a lot of this stems from working at the county jail a few years back. In this concrete hell I was so used to telling inmates to back off, to move away. I had the control. Out here in the real world it seems people lack the concept of personal space. Psychopaths are going into restaurants and stores and randomly shooting innocent people. So the question is, do I allow myself to go farther into this social anxiety hole as I get older? Do I accept the fact that I will order grocery pick up from now on and utilize Amazon Prime for most of my needs? Or do I join the hoards of zombies on Xanax and Kalonopin (sp?) and just accept that this world is so chaotic and crazy that pills are basically everyone’s go-to.
If there was ever a beginning for someone who went to live out in the woods, off grid, away from all people, it would me.