I’ve discovered, after giving it much thought, that the majority of my problems within the last few years is control. I truly believe that some of the unhappiest people in the world are those that are constantly trying to control things they can’t. I look back at memories of the some of the worst times in my life: losing friends, feeling depressed, anxiety. I realize now that all of these things were caused by my insatiable need to control EVERYTHING. I needed to be the leader, the one in charge. I needed to have everything go my way. If I wasn’t in control I wasn’t happy. What a miserable way to live right?
Things happen. People change. This is why I think its such a terrible idea to get married. Especially getting married when young. People are constantly changing. You might marry someone and then 5 years later realize they’re a completely different person. I used to be a straight down the middle Democrat…now I am a straight down the middle don’t really give a shit. I used to want to be a police officer…now I have no fecking idea what I want to do. All I know is that when I am writing I am happiest. When I am writing I don’t feel the need to be simultaneously on my phone for stimulation. When I am writing I don’t think about anything going on in my life unless it is the topic I am writing about. When I am writing I don’t think about the monotony of life because writing gives me something I lack in everyday life: a voice.
When I was younger I was naive, like we all were. Life was so simple and exciting and new. We had so much to experience. Then when you turn 16 you can drive, but eventually you get sick of traffic and rules and driving laws, so the excitement of that wears off. Then you turn 18, which is cool . You’re an adult, so life will get so much cooler right? In all honesty, not really. Sure you can do whatever you want now, but then that gets old and the weight of everyday life begins to take it’s toll. The rude customer at your job, the politics involved with being around a large group of colleagues. You have so many opinions and thoughts but to voice them all would be social suicide. You’re still young so people don’t think your opinion matters anyways. Then you hit 21. You go through the party stage. You make your mistakes. You decide in which way you want your life to go.
Fast-forward to 29. Here I am. Feeling a bit run down honestly. Is it just a slump, or is this just life in all it’s greatness? Is it at this age when you realize that 30 is coming sooner than later and all the best moments of your life are behind you? Is the life that everyone was so excited for as children simply working some job that’s barely bearable and living paycheck to paycheck? They say to save your money but for what? I could die tomorrow right? Not to mention I work for that money. Going to work 40 hours a week doesn’t seem quite so bearable if I don’t have the money to go do things that put a lull in the monotony. It’s really a viscous cycle. I know this blog is poorly written. Amateur. Being human is difficult. We have it made, we have it easy. But having these big giant brains has it’s downfalls. We are the only creatures who can acknowledge our mortality before it happens. We attempt to make the best out of the life that we have, all while adhering to the constraints of an overpopulated, dying planet.