Difficulty establishing meaningful relationships

I was 18 years old. My older cousin’s ID in hand, off to the bar we went. Drunk shenanigans, karaoke and meaningless makeout sessions ensued. I worked Monday through Friday and spent most of my day in excited anticipation for Friday and Saturday night (sometimes even Sunday night if the weekend was extremely eventful). The hangovers were worth it, the good times were had, the bonds with others were in full force. I had friends that I deeply cared about. People I looked forward to spending time with. So what happened?

Did I just grow up?

Ten years later and here I am. One friend, one person I can truly call a friend, and she’s 10 hours away. We live completely different lives as well. She has 2 kids, I have none. She has a Husband, I don’t want one. We still get along because we have the same morbid and twisted sense of humor (we like the same memes). But that doesn’t do much for me when I am cooped up inside and wish I had someone to go do something with. So why is it so difficult making new friends when you’re older? Most women my age have found boyfriends, fiances, husbands by now. They settled (down?) and now spend most of their time with that person. Makes sense. A lot of them though, they live their lives in turmoil trying to keep (in my opinion, unnatural) relationship going. At times feeling like they’re failing, and at times feeling like they’re doing great. There must be others in this world that have the same views as me. That feel being alone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lonely. That aren’t on the hunt day in and day out to find someone to make them whole. I feel whole on my own. I feel best when I am without a significant other. I supposed I have a difficult time connecting with others because time and time again I have been disappointed. I don’t want to sit and judge people,  don’t enjoy gossip, I DESPISE small talk (let’s be honest it doesn’t get us anywhere talking about the weather, we all know its FUCKING HOT OUTSIDE SUSAN, thanks for reminding us) So I suppose in my quest for someone I can call a friend, I may be shooting too high. I am, after all, looking for a female companion, who views marriage as unnatural and isn’t interested in it. Who doesn’t have kids and doesn’t view their whole life’s purpose to be a baby maker. Someone who is comfortable with themselves and doesn’t have any extreme emotional illnesses or downfalls that I just can’t relate to. As we get older, a lot of life is spent reflecting on when we were younger. And I believe as we do that, we get caught up in our own little worlds and set in our own little ways. Is it too late to let someone else in? Is it too late to make lasing friendships? I am so jealous of all the people I see with friends, yet I just can’t seem to truly put myself out there. Ah, the dilemmas of life.

At the current moment that is my dilemma, as well as what I am going to do with my degree. Do I become a teacher, and then get my master’s and move up in the teaching field? Or do I travel the world as a freelance writer? The latter sounds much more appealing, but also a little but more work. I’ve never backed down from a challenge before. I suppose I should graduate first. About halfway there folks!

 

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