I was laying on the floor. Just laying there. In the middle of my living room, in my tiny apartment. I was 18. My legs gave out. They just couldn’t stand it any longer. If my carpet had been soil weeds would have grown from my the tears that soaked through to the under layer. I was heartbroken. I feel so terribly sorry for the first person to have ever experienced heart break, and named it so. A fitting name, so very proper for the way it feels when someone lets you down in the ultimate way, and takes a small piece of you with them. As I laid there, feeling like I just wanted to disappear, thinking of ways I didn’t have to be around anymore, a song came on the radio. Before, what had just been background noise, turned into a saving grace. The sweet melodic voice of Jason Mraz poured through my speakers and serenaded me with sweet, sweet relief. Life is Wonderful. Isn’t that quite a song to come on at that very moment. It could have been any song in the entire world and it was this one. And as I listened to the captivating music and the comforting words, my tears started slowing down. And finally, I began to feel again. That’s the amazing thing about music. You may think you’re alone in what you’re going through, but if you look for it, or in my case just happen upon it, you’ll hear something that yells right in your face “YOU ARE NOT ALONE.” This too shall pass. So I felt the carpet beneath me, I felt the cool air on my skin. I breathed in, I exhaled out. Over and over again….and I lived. I kept living. I realized that life is wonderful. And from there, I continued to make mistakes. I continued to get hurt, but it didn’t hurt quite as much.
I think once you’ve been irrevocably hurt by something and come through it stronger and more aware, it is just simply easier to get through it again because you already proved to yourself that you can. It’s possible. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I wished I was dead. Sadly, I can admit this to myself and to you. Fortunately I held off and the next day am extremely glad I did. I have never suffered from crippling depression, but I know it’s out there. I have been depressed before, but nothing I didn’t get over. I know how difficult it can be. Get help, please. This life is so precious and you only get one. Take advantage of the help there is. Suicide hotlines, free clinics if you don’t have insurance. Talk to family and friends and let them know you need help. Help yourself. You got this, just one step at a time.
Thanks Jason, I owe you one.