Let us live

“We read five words on the first page of a really good novel and we begin to forget that we are reading words on a page; we begin to see images.”

– John Gardner

My boyfriend and I have been racking our brains to find a way to live. I mean actually live. I don’t mean go to work 5 days a week, for 9 hours a day. I don’t want to sell my time for $10 – $12 an hour, making money for a company whose owner I will never know or meet or care about. This is what I have been doing since I turned 16, and as each day goes on I feel more and more sick of it.

Working in so many different genres of employment, I have seen many things. I have dealt with many people. And overall, working all of these jobs has filled me with a disdain for the human race. How rare it is for me to meet someone I have a connection with. I read an article recently about how it is more difficult for intelligent and intellectual people to make friends and find love. It’s not fair is it? It’s not fair that people with average IQ’s, who see the world so simply, have an easier time making friends and finding love. But they find love with people of their same level, and so how many intelligent intellects tried dating someone of average IQ that sees the world so simply, only for them to feel like in the end there was something wrong with them?

I dated so many people in the past. People that were terrible for me. Men that didn’t have an ounce respect for me. So in turn, I had to learn how to have respect for myself. And when that happened I became an unstoppable force. I learned that it is okay to let someone down….to tell them it isn’t working. I learned a didn’t need a reason…It just was what it was. And when I learned I could do that, and quite easily, my life became substantially better.

Sometimes I have to sit back and remind myself of all that I’ve done. When I am feeling unaccomplished and sad, like my life will never go where I want it, I remember all of these things; I’ve sat in the sand on the beaches of Pedasi, Panama and let my feet soak in the Pacific ocean. I’ve swam in the oceans off of the coast of South America. I’ve made it through times when I felt completely alone and hopeless, and was able to smile afterwards. I’ve been to California, New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, Texas, Florida, Virginia, West Virginia, North Carolina, Utah. I have traveled and seen what else is in this world. I’ve fought for my rights and opened my mind. I’ve trained in one of the best police academies in the United States, and although I didn’t pursue that career, the skills I gained are priceless. I’ve walked into pods full of inmates in a county jail, me against 120 and walked out to talk about it. I’ve fought men and women who are twice as big as me, and walked away. I’ve been so terrified I was going to die that my blood ran cold and I couldn’t breathe but I made it. I’ve been pepper sprayed, gassed and attacked but I am still here today to write about. I’ve let go of love when it was the last thing I wanted to do. And I found it again.

Now it’s my turn. I’d rather live in a tent with the sole duty to keep myself and my love happy and alive, than spend another day working in a stale building, dealing with entitled and ungrateful people. People who are so rude it’s unbelievable that they can treat another human the way I’ve been treated. I want to get away from the crime. I want get away from the pollution. I want to get away from it all. And we are working on it. Plans into motion. In less than a month we move to a new place we’ve never been an I am so excited. And most of all I am so happy and grateful to have found someone to spend the rest of my life with.

What is happy?

Recently I came across a post on social media by The Oatmeal where he discussed happiness. He said he wasn’t a happy person, but he also wasn’t unhappy. And he went on to explain what he thought happiness was.

Basically he said that happiness could easily be only a word, that made people realize they were unhappy. Or at least lead people to believe they were unhappy.

I remember when I was kid in school, I used to get so excited for the weekend. I used to have a feeling of pure joy knowing that I had 2 days off to do whatever I wanted. Now I find myself complacent, just looking forward to my next days off while feeling miserable standing at a cash register helping entitled people who overpay on everything I ring up and put into a bag. My life has become a monotonous charade of the same thing every day.  But am I happy? And if I am not, what would make me happy? Do I even know?

People seem to have a general idea that to be happy, they need certain elements. A family, friends, money and a home. But I know plenty of people with all of these things, and yet they don’t seem happy.

But what if we forget the word happy? Have you ever just been going along with your life, and then someone asks you if you’re happy? And you stop and you think:

” I don’t know, am I?”

Then suddenly, all of these things come flooding to your mind and you start to realize, you’re not happy. The next thing you need to ask yourself is, are you fulfilled? Do you live a life that you’re proud of? And if you don’t, why don’t you change it?

Honestly, I am not happy. I am not a bubbly person. I don’t look forward to things, I take them as they come. Perhaps this is from being alive for 27 years and losing that child naivety that I once had. The sad part is, I remember how I used to be.

I remember that I loved all the wrong guys with all of my heart. When I appreciated waking up next to someone I loved, thinking they loved me back. I remember being heartbroken. And somewhere along the way I lost that part of myself. And now I’ve finally found the man I will spend the rest of my life with, and I appreciate him only half as much as I once did the others. Why is this? And can I change it? This man I love and who loves me back is amazing. He has done amazing things with his life. He is only 28 and has been in another country with nothing but a few good men and a rifle to protect himself. He has risked his life for this country. He has most likely killed others wishing to do him harm, and he has seen things that I am sure would only tear a person apart.

He has been married and blindly in love when he was young. He has learned from his mistakes, and made plenty of them like anyone else. But he has never been to jail, he has held steady jobs and he has a heart bigger than anyone I’ve ever met. So if a man like him can go through all of that and still be the biggest sweet heart and caring person I’ve ever met, what is wrong with me? a few years ago before I went into the police academy, I was a naïve 20-something who thought the world revolved around her. I was quiet and friendly and although I had thoughts in my head, I didn’t voice them regularly for fear that they would make others angry or upset.

So after 6 months of learning how to be strong, and pushing myself to every limit I had, I changed. Of course I did. And no matter how much I tried, I could never get back to the old me. And I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. I remember the first time I had to yell in scenario training. I was too quiet and wasn’t getting my point across. The first time I was angry, upset and pissed all at the same time I had to yell, at the top of my lungs to get someone to do something, and it felt great. I learned to speak my mind and in the academy they teach you that its your way or the highway. They teach you a lot of things. And slowly I discovered who I was and stopped apologizing for it. But I knew I didn’t want to be a cop. I knew 2 months in that this dream I had for almost my entire life was fading. And here I am, wondering what to do now….

Now I am a bully. I am a jerk. And compromise isn’t something that comes easy to me. I am a control freak. I like things my way. And when someone doesn’t speak up for themselves and acts like a victim, I immediately lose a lot of respect for them. So here I am with a boyfriend, who has a heart of pure gold, who sings to our cat when he pets her sometimes and calls me and her his little family. And I bully him, quite often. He deserves to  be treated like a king and I am a jerk to him. I can’t blame it on my past relationships, I can’t blame it on the academy, but I can say that it contributed a lot to my changes.

I want to be a nicer person, I want to make changes to have a better relationship. And I am working on that. I guess I don’t really know what happiness is, because I don’t feel it all the time. I don’t walk around smiling all the time and I have a horrible case of resting bitch face. But ultimately I really am content. There are days when I feel terribly lost and where I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. And those days are scary, but I do know that things tend to work out. I am motivated, and I am a good person and I wish the best for most people. But if given the opportunity I would love to move with my love and go out somewhere in a cozy little house and just live the rest of my life away from people. I am not a people person, and honestly if I never saw another human again apart from those I love I would be completely okay with that.

I am not happy, but I’m not unhappy. I am okay with this.