White picket fence.

Throughout my entire life I always thought that finding my one true love would be so simple. When I was in 7th grade I thought I loved a guy who was in one of my classes. When I was in my Junior year of high school I really did love my first boyfriend. I loved him in the “new” love kind of way….in the way that you really don’t have a clue what you’re doing so you just follow your heart. After multiple heartbreaks I found myself reading a lot of motivational sayings and quotes. In the beginning they made me feel better, but after the 3rd heartbreak I just started to say…well, f*ck it. I gave up. I just decided that if I can get my heartbroken THIS many times, I am just going to give up.

I can have a big house, with a lot of things and a good job, all by myself. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I don’t NEED a man.

I would listen to all of the stories all over the internet about how all of these women thought they’d never find the love of their life and then one day they did. And that they just knew he was “the one”. Barf. I didn’t believe it. I felt bad for these women thinking that their guy wasn’t going to go out and cheat on them. I felt bad for these women that thought that they’d found the one, and that he was always going to be around. Needless to say, I was burned and bitter.

But a lot of things changed in the year after my last break-up. I learned a lot about myself and who I was. And slowly but surely I started to realize something; I truly don’t need a man. But it would sure be nice to find someone to spend my life with. What is having the goal of getting a big house and a lot of things and a great job, without someone to share it with? Perhaps if I patiently waited I’d find someone who wanted to be with me, just as much as I wanted to be with them.

I met him at work. Well, I used to work there. We both did. And as soon as I saw him I knew. It sounds SOOOO lame especially because I was so opposed to it. But I really, truly did. Something inside me just lit up. And he wasn’t a Fabio look a like, and he wasn’t 6 foot tall with dark hair and dark eyes. Nope. He had a shaved head, and crystal blue eyes and all I knew was that I wanted to see more of him. Every time I saw him at work something told me that I wanted to see more of him. I came close to asking him out a hundred times, but I didn’t. I felt I needed to wait. And eventually, because he had no idea I liked him, I just told him. And he took me on our first date. And he made me laugh more than I’d laughed in a long time. I felt safe with him, and comfortable. And I fell in love. And so did he. And now, I know without a shadow of a doubt I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He didn’t complete me, I did. Long before I met him. But what he did do was show me that just when you are about to give up on love, love comes in whether you like it or not.

Now I know that I don’t want a big house, or a lot of things. I learned to let go of the material things in my life and focus on what is important. And to me, that is enjoying every minute I have with this amazing man who lights up my whole world.

I always do this.

I start blogs and then never write in them. I don’t want to do that anymore. Even though no one reads my stuff, I still need to write. After all, I want to write a book one day, so a blog is a good place to start.

Over the summer I haven’t been taking classes. Basically I am broke and the government said “Fuck you, no more monies” and I didn’t have the funds to pay for college. I will start going again in Oklahoma, when we move.

Craziest thing though….just like any 20-something, I don’t know what the hell I want to do with my life. When I was 10 I wanted to be a veterinarian. When I was 11-21 I wanted to a police officer, and then I gave that a shot and didn’t like it. Recently I thought I wanted to be a psychologist, but am wondering if I’d really be happy listening to other peoples problems all day. Money isn’t everything. Currently I work as a cashier. It was for a seasonal position. I did a great job apparently, and even though they knew I was going to be moving in 2 months, they kept me on permanently and gave me a raise.

I used to be a people person, but being around people ruined that.

I absolutely cannot stand retail. I need to get out of it ASAP. But what is next for me? The boyfriend got his CDL and is out of town driving trucks all around California and Oregon. I am at home alone working a part time job and wondering what the hell I am doing. Sometimes people make life seem so simple…and it truly is. Just be happy. And I am..so truly happy and grateful for all that I have. But I have got to get out of this job where I constantly want to punch people in the throat. It’s not healthy.

I’d rather work with inmates inside of a jail (last job) than deal with the general public. At least at the jail if someone was disrespectful to you, you could send them to lock down and tell them to shut the f*ck up. Can’t exactly do that in retail…not out loud anyways.

Next goal: Find out what I want to do with my life!!! I’m 27, not getting any younger…..F*ck I feel old…and chubby….but mostly just old.