I’ve realized recently that you can tell yourself you’ve done something a million times, but if it’s not tangible and right in front of your face, where’s the proof? The proof is in the pudding. It’s the way you treat people, the way you treat those that you love. And it’s in the way that you treat yourself.
It hit me the other day when I was having yet another argument, started by me, with my boyfriend. It seemed that about 4 months into our relationship we just started fighting all the time. It was like a revelation the other night, it just hit me. I was holding resentment, and a lot of it. And sad thing was, it wasn’t resentment for him. My poor guy had done nothing wrong. Honestly, it’s like I’ve got this amazing man in my life, standing beside me everyday, and I do nothing but try to sabotage it. But why?? I ask that a lot…but why. I am going to school for psychology so my mind definitely asks a lot of questions, all the time. And it’s like this light bulb went off. I was sad and happy all at the same time.
I WASN’T LETTING MYSELF BE HAPPY.
For some reason, I was holding myself back. And immediately it was like I knew exactly why.
MY LAST RELATIONSHIP.
I was taking out all my anger and resentment for my ex, on my boyfriend. I know, I know. You’re sitting there thinking, same old story different day. And I always thought the same thing. You always hear people “I can’t open up, I have a wall up.” Blah Blah Blah. But it’s the truth! To me, it was as if I had spent so much time being an ignorant dumbass with my ex, I blamed myself when it all came crashing down and I got hurt worse than I ever had in my life. I mean, there were nights where I just prayed to take away the pain, like I’d rather have a sledgehammer to the leg than feel one more night of sorrow and heartbreak. But like all hearts do, mine healed. I moved on and started realizing what it was to be human to again.
And I had no idea how it would be for my next relationship. And obviously it wasn’t good. I can say I am lucky enough to have a man that doesn’t run at the first sign of instability in me. He is amazing, and he is here to fight for us. Because sometimes in relationships, you’ve got to. You have ups and down, and its all worth it, as long as you are happy. So I wanted to write a few things out, things I am letting go. There are too many to put on here, I’d be writing for hours and you’d stop reading out of pure boredom. But here are just a few (They are from my last relationship):
- When we were in Panama and we were fighting (again) and I sat on the bed when you left the hotel room and I had never felt so alone in my entire life. In that very moment, I felt like I was a tiny dot in the world and there was no one around. I was 1000 miles from home and you weren’t there for me. You walked out just like you always did. I am letting that go.
- When I logged online to Facebook stalk you. When I saw you had added a pretty little girl to your friends list and my heart sank. I clicked on her profile and there, staring right at me, was a picture of you and her. Smiling. Both of you just smiling, like you didn’t have a care in the world. 1 WEEK AFTER WE BROKE UP. Everything I ever thought about love, everything I ever believed about being faithful and truthful, gone. I broke then, I broke so bad I could hardly breathe. The kind of broken you think only cigarettes and Jack Daniels can cure. I am letting that go.
- The time we were at your sisters, and I was 2000 miles away from home, on the other side of the country. We were fighting (about the normal thing, I just couldn’t look past your illegal extracurricular activities) and you said you were going to leave me there, in a home with people I’d just met, far away from anyone I knew, to go spend the night at your friends house. I know now you weren’t going there. You were the best at looking someone in the eye and lying. And I looked at you, and I screamed “I hate you, I fucking hate you!!” Because you were breaking my heart and I didn’t know what else to say. And you stood in the doorway and looked at me with tears in your eyes and you walked over and kissed me on the forehead and said “I’ll regret not doing that.” And you left. And I didn’t see you for 3 days, and you forced me to believe the best thing to do was finally, give up. I bought a plane ticket home and you saw me off at the airport. Crocodile tears, the ones that poured from your eyes onto my face as you kissed me and said we’d see each other soon. Deep down we both knew, it would be the final goodbye. I am letting that go.
It’s time to be happy, and not ruin the best thing I’ve ever had. I am in love, and I am loved back. And it’s finally my turn. My turn to let go.