College..Eh

colleg ebooks

Growing up, I never thought I’d go to college. I didn’t grow up in a privileged household like a lot of my friends. I grew up with a single mom, who did the best she could. She certainly didn’t have the means to put money away for college though. I hung out with some rough kids in school, but I still managed to get good grades and even got on the Honor Roll 3 out of the 4 years I went to high school. I did the stupid stuff all high school kids did…drinking, experimenting with things I knew I shouldn’t have. But I was a good kid. My dream was always to be a cop. I remember when I was younger I used to watch my dad get ready for work. He’d come out of the room with his undershirt and black pants on. He’d put his deputy shirt on and I remember always staring at his badge. I wanted to be that cool one day. I finally did get accepted onto a police department, but long story short, it wasn’t what I wanted. I felt lost for a while and it hit me: I’ve got all this potential, I should go to school.

I got lucky enough to get grants and I am now going to school for 2 semesters on the governments dime. I don’t feel bad about it. I worked my ass off to give half of my paychecks to the tax system, I deserve some of it back in the form of “free” schooling. So I am going¬†for psychology, and loving every minute of it. I just found out, however, that I will be writing a 7-10 page argumentative essay on the topic of my choice. I am leaning towards writing it about the animal testing industry. Everyday, hundreds of animals are burned, blinded and killed to test human products on them. Its sad and disgusting and I remember when I first found out about this thing called “vivisection” I was sickened, and even cried. It scares me to get into this topic again, and it sickens me to think about all the pictures and videos and research I will have to put myself through. I think in the end it will be worth it, and if the paper is good enough, perhaps I can condense it and send it in to some places. Either way, I will feel good about it in the end.

A lot of people are just like I was. They had no idea about this horrible dark world. Your dawn dish soap, your herbal essences shampoo, basically every product in your home that is a household cleaner, make-up or personal product was tested on an animal before it was manufactured and sold to the public. Unless you make it a priority to get products that say “cruelty free” or “this product not tested on animals” then you are guilty of supporting these companies. You have to watch out too because if the product says “this product not tested on animals” it may mean that that particular product isn’t, but doesn’t mean the company who makes it doesn’t test most of their shit on animals.

Anyways…been good this week. Thinking about pouring a glass of the vino and playing some video games. It’s always a good feeling to know that you’ve got all the homework done and now it’s time to enjoy yourself ūüôā

Letting go.

 

let it go

I’ve realized recently that you can tell yourself you’ve done something a million times, but if it’s not tangible and right in front of your face, where’s the proof? The proof is in the pudding. It’s the way you treat people, the way you treat those that you love. And it’s in the way that you treat yourself.

It hit me the other day when I was having yet another argument, started by me, with my boyfriend. It seemed that about 4 months into our relationship we just started fighting all the time. It was like a revelation the other night, it just hit me. I was holding resentment, and a lot of it. And sad thing was, it wasn’t resentment for him. My poor guy had done nothing wrong. Honestly, it’s like I’ve got this amazing man in my life, standing beside me everyday, and I do nothing but try to sabotage it. But why?? I ask that a lot…but why. I am going to school for psychology so my mind definitely asks a lot of questions, all the time. And it’s like this light bulb went off. I was sad and happy all at the same time.

I WASN’T LETTING MYSELF BE HAPPY.

For some reason, I was holding myself back. And immediately it was like I knew exactly why.

MY LAST RELATIONSHIP.

I was taking out all my anger and resentment for my ex, on my boyfriend. I know, I know. You’re sitting there thinking, same old story different day. And I always thought the same thing. You always hear people “I can’t open up, I have a wall up.” Blah Blah Blah. But it’s the truth! To me, it was as if I had spent so much time being an ignorant dumbass with my ex, I blamed myself when it all came crashing down and I got hurt worse than I ever had¬†in my life. I mean, there were nights where I just prayed to take away the pain, like I’d rather have a sledgehammer to the leg than feel one more night of sorrow and heartbreak. But like all hearts do, mine healed. I moved on and started realizing what it was to be human to again.

And I had no idea how it would be for my next relationship. And obviously it wasn’t good. I can say I am lucky enough to have a man that doesn’t run at the first sign of instability in me. He is amazing, and he is here to fight for us. Because sometimes in relationships, you’ve got to. You have ups and down, and its all worth it, as long as you are happy. So I wanted to write a few things out, things I am letting go. There are too many to put on here, I’d be writing for hours and you’d stop reading out of pure boredom. But here are just a few (They are from my last relationship):

  1. When we were in Panama and we were fighting (again) and I sat on the bed when you left the hotel room and I had never felt so alone in my entire life. In that very moment, I felt like I was a tiny dot in the world and there was no one around. I was 1000 miles from home and you weren’t there for me. You walked out just like you always did. I am letting that go.
  2. When I logged online to Facebook stalk you. When I saw you had added a pretty little girl to your friends list and my heart sank. I clicked on her profile and there, staring right at me, was a picture of you and her. Smiling. Both of you just smiling, like you didn’t have a care in the world. 1 WEEK AFTER WE BROKE UP. Everything I ever thought about love, everything I ever believed about being faithful and truthful, gone. I broke then, I broke so bad I could hardly breathe. The kind of broken you think only cigarettes and Jack Daniels can cure. I am letting that go.
  3. The time we were at your sisters, and I was 2000 miles away from home, on the other side of the country. We were fighting (about the normal thing, I just couldn’t look past your illegal extracurricular activities) and you said you were going to leave me there, in a home with people I’d just met, far away from anyone¬†I knew, to go spend the night at your friends house. I know now you weren’t going there. You were the best at looking someone in the eye and lying. And I looked at you, and I screamed “I hate you, I fucking hate you!!” Because you were breaking my heart and I didn’t know what else to say. And you stood in the doorway and looked at me with tears in your eyes and you walked over and kissed me on the forehead and said “I’ll regret not doing that.” And you left. And I didn’t see you for 3 days, and you forced me to believe the best thing¬†to do was finally, give up. I bought a plane ticket home and you saw me off at the airport. Crocodile tears, the ones that poured from your eyes onto my face as you kissed me and said we’d see each other soon. Deep down we both knew, it would be the final goodbye. I am letting that go.

It’s time to be happy, and not ruin the best thing I’ve ever had. I am in love, and I am loved back. And it’s finally my turn. My turn to let go.

Broken dishes

Oh man, it’s been so long since I wrote anything. Well, anything that wasn’t for my English class. I was having the worst day yesterday. And it wasn’t even a bad day. The sun was shining, my boyfriend and I were doing fine. But my hormones decided to wage a war inside of my body and I went absolutely insane.

My poor boyfriend gets home from work, and I tell him I think it sucks that he doesn’t even kiss me anymore or hug me when he gets home. He feels extremely bad and apologizes and gives me all sorts of love and hugs. (Let me add here, I got mad at him a while back for totally jumping me and holding me against my will when he gets home because he is so excited to see me. The point: I just can’t make up my mind)

I feel depressed. Like abnormally so. I have no job. ( I had to quit mine because they were working me massive amounts of overtime and I was falling behind in school). I am home all day, and of course my boyfriend still works at the same place I used to. (We met there). Yesterday, I was pissed. And for no reason whatsoever. So I finally muster up the courage to make myself a sandwich. I go into the kitchen to get a plate and presumably drop it on the tile¬†kitchen floor. I¬†watch it in slow motion as I am expecting it to break. It doesn’t. Thanks¬†Corelle, you¬†really are telling the truth in your¬†commercials. I¬†pick up said plate, throw it in the sink with all my might…still doesn’t break, thought you might be wondering….and¬†run into the bedroom where I get under the covers and continue to sob for the better half of a minute.

My boyfriend, who is undoubtedly scared out of his mind right now, creeps into the bedroom. He sits on the bed next to me and starts rubbing my head and asking me what’s wrong. I mumble some stuff and¬†he sits there a little longer¬†and then gets up and says

“I am going to go use the restroom.”

I wait. And wait. No boyfriend.¬†So now that I am calm, I walk out into the living room and realize he is shaving his head and taking a shower.¬†THE NERVE!! He¬†is supposed to be consoling me and being a good boyfriend and making me feel better. So when he finally gets out of the bathroom I ask him if I made him mad. He says no all confused like. I said, well you sure hauled ass out of there fast and left me all alone in the middle of my break down…

He said he thought I’d rather be alone and have some time to¬†calm¬†down. At this point I’m like wow okay. So as I am sitting on the couch again this wave of anger starts coming¬†over me once more. I¬†can’t even¬†explain where it’s coming from. Like a possession occurring. I get up from the couch and my boyfriend says “Babe, are you alright?” I yell “NO! I AM HAVING A TERRIBLE FUCKING DAY!!”

And run into the bedroom and slam the door. It takes about a minute and in comes boyfriend. He sits with me again and talks me through everything that is running through my head. He does a great job making me feel better and then as an end thought asks me not to slam doors because it scares him.

Today, I feel right as rain. I did a little meditating. Got out of the house and did some grocery shopping. And myself 2 glasses of moscato.

So the lessons I have learned from the last 24 hours are:

  1. Really appreciate amazing boyfriends who love you and truly care about you. And can handle you through your PMS…because holy shit, it can’t be easy.
  2. Never be afraid to apologize. I know it was just my hormones yesterday, but FUCK, he must have thought I was off my rocker. So an apology means a lot. Apologize for mother nature, its not like she can do it herself.
  3. Meditate. I used to do it all the time and I was such a happier person. I have decided to start it up again and I already feel better after just 1 session.